T here are certain distasteful things all humans might have do at some point in their lives, like sitting down in the bathroom and realizing there's no toilet paper. Or just not using any toilet paper at all.
Seriously, though, some people actually make a living doing this kind of distasteful stuff, and I'm not talking about janitors. Take lawyers, for example. If all the lawyer jokes in the world were written down on a roll of toilet paper, the roll would be long enough to mummify anyone who has ever passed the bar exam.
Can you guess what the second-most despised occupation is? No, it's not the little lady at the window who renews your license plates. It's the used car salesman. And when I say salesmen, I also mean saleswomen, because they sell cars too.
Earlier this summer, I had the unfortunate experience of meeting several members of this breed. These people make a living by convincing customers to buy vehicles that cost twice as much as the value of their second mortgage.
When the car salesmen found out that I don't own a home, they suggested other collateral. Their final offer was my little sister or my soul - whichever had the highest current market value.
Unfortunately, my soul wasn't worth enough to get the car I wanted, so I had to look at other alternatives. The used car dealers I visited either were too expensive, or they sold El Caminos loaded with the bullet-hole-and-rust option.
Enter the Internet. Virtual car shopping has many advantages __ - you can do it in your underwear, at 2:30 a.m. or while watching your housemate scratch himself repeatedly. Surprisingly, you can actually go to online car a_ rxs!_uction sites and buy used cars while engaged in one or more of the activities listed above.
I don't understand why people would actually do this, however, unless they really like doing stuff in their underwear. Online car sales are legally binding, which means your head will get chopped off if you don't pay. Then you can't drive anymore.
But what if the person selling the car removes parts before it gets to you? Vital parts could be missing or broken, such as the vanity mirror, the cup holder or the glove box temperature regulator. And you wouldn't know until it's too late.
Buying used cars online therefore is unadvisable, because the risk is just too great. On the other hand, cyberspace is a great way to search for deals that might interest you. The only problem is that there are millions of people out there exactly like you - sitting in front of the computer late at night and scratching themselves.
So when you actually stumble upon a car you like, approximately 200 people have already done the same thing. Most of the time the car will already be sold.
If you want to be the first to discover a good deal, you have to become a cyber-fiend. This involves obsessively checking Web sites during your free time and frantically calling telephone numbers listed in online ads.
When you've finally located a car and you want to buy it, there's only one thing between you and your brand spanking new used car: haggling.
This process is similar to what lawyers do in courtroom proceedings, which is why used car salesmen are so good at it. You have to come up with reasons why your price is better, like "my family will go hungry" (if you're the seller) or "my allowance isn't that big" (if you're the buyer).
Haggling is all about survival of the fittest. Prehistoric human tribes used haggling to decide which one of them had to hunt around in the forest for another roll of toilet paper. The most successful of these hunters evolved into lawyers and car salesmen.
The good news is that the average private seller is neither a lawyer nor a car salesman. Unless the seller is one of those little ladies at the window who renews your license plates, you have nothing to fear.
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