In the spirit of coming off of a full week of television vegetation, this morning I present toyou a vision I had at 3:15 a.m. after an extended stay with my dear friend Katie Wagner from the TV Guide Channel.
:::Sound of door bell, the NBC chime:::
:::Front door opens, party in process is heard:::
NBC: Hey hey, welcome to the party. Come in, come in!
CNN: I ... am CNN.
E!: Aww man, who let the plastics in?! They're such gossips! And look at what they're wearing!
CNN: Are you talking about us, E!? You shut your mouth. You're only jealous because you're, like, in love with us or something. Stop copying our screen ticker -- since when is Tom Cruise's descent into insanity breaking news? And not everything is worth your exclamation point. You're like the Drudge Report version of Entertainment Tonight.
Fox News: Yeah, seriously. Take it down a notch. And put on this American flag pin, for God's sake.
E!: OMG, y'alls! Shut up, shut up! I think SpikeTV is leaving the party with Lifetime! Wooooooo!
MSNBC: Oxygen ... she'll be devastated.
:::Oxygen is seen weeping in the corner:::
Oxygen: I'm fine! I just need some fresh air!
:::Oxygen darts out of the party in tears, as ESPN walks in with a lady friend:::
ESPN: What happened to that chick?
PBS: Nothing your Neanderthal mind could wrap itself around. Do not bother me with your pedantries.
ESPN: Whatever, dude. It's time to get drunk! Woooo!
NBC: Did you bring a stripper?
Cinemax: Excuse me?
NBC: Listen, ESPN, it's great having you here, but we're really trying to keep it down tonight. MSNBC and I just put the kids to bed.
ESPN: Aww! I haven't seen Nick in forever! How are his sisters Cartoon Network and Disney doing?
NBC: They're fine, we just don't want them to come down and --
:::The door slams open as MTV and her posse bust in:::
MTV: MTV here, let's kick this party into overgear to the extreme!
:::MTV begins to grind up against ESPN:::
MTV: Wooooo Spring Break!
VH1: Yeah! Spring Break!
MTV: Get out of here VH1. Go look through your yearbooks some more.
:::VH1 walks off, dejected:::
MTV: I liked her better when she hung out with older guys. Wait, who's he?
ABC: Don't bother him. It's the Darden Channel.
:::Darden Channel stares blankly:::
:::NBC chime is heard, door opens:::
The History Channel: Listen, you whipper-snappers, keep it down. Some of us are trying to sleep!
NBC: Seriously? How can you be going to bed already? It's prime time.
The History Channel: Exactly! We can't all keep your crazy rock 'n' roll hours. I just want to lie in bed, talk about World War II with my spouse and get some rest.
NBC: Did we wake C-SPAN, too? I'm sorry, we'll keep it down.
:::Door closes, party resumes:::
ABC: So, NBC, how's the married life treating you?
NBC: Pretty good, pretty good, MSNBC and I are blissful together. How are ABC Family and the kids?
ABC: Just fine, yesterday we all went to our one thousandth taping of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
MSNBC: Ahhh, married life. Speaking of which, when is CBS going to settle down and have spin-off networks of his own? He's not getting any younger, you know.
:::CNBC walks by, winks at NBC:::
MSNBC: Why did she just wink at you? Is there something I need to know about?
:::PAX walks up, taps NBC on the shoulder:::
PAX: Um, excuse me. I believe HBO is doing cocaine in the basement.
NBC: Jesus Christ, PAX!
:::NBC leaves to take care of the situation, as The Sci-Fi Network enters in full Klingon regalia:::
Sci-Fi: Dammit! I was made to understand this was a costume party!
Comedy Central [points]: Bah-hahahahahaha!
The Weather Channel: Hey, cool outfit!
PBS: I concur!
Public Access: Lookin' sharp!
ESPN: :::Sigh::: Ugh, nerd convention! I'm leaving.
MTV: Me too, let's go guys.
:::Most of the networks say goodbye and leave:::
MSNBC: Alright, well I guess we ended early. Who wants to watch some "Law & Order"?
TNT & USA: I do!
Eric Cunningham's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
‘Don’t get too comfortable’: Words of wisdom for the incoming class
By Kate Johnson | YesterdayThese fourth-year students offer their reflections on their first year at the University.
Navigating the University from near and far
By Amanda Chung , Mai Hukuoka and Dana Douglas | 3 days agoAs the 2025-26 school year inches closer, three Life writers came together to discuss their different perspectives as in-state and out-of-state students.
The students behind first-year orientation
By Ingrid Gay | 5 days agoDespite the long days and demand of the job, this year’s OLs are excited to help students from near and far acclimate to Grounds.
