Fashion. It’s the cat’s meow. The peanut butter to celery. The sick beat to Lil Wayne. The funnel cake to the theme park. It is the jam. What I mean to say is that fashion makes all great things that much greater, and for all of you fresh-from-summer college ruffians out there, it can make or break dating opportunities.
You might be thinking, “I can dress. It’s not like it’s that hard.” Well, to use a well-crafted simile, dressing yourself is like cooking: Everyone can do it, only some can do it well. Furthermore, few fail to see that stylistic change is necessary in order to improve dating opportunities. But luckily for all of you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed college ruffians out there, I’ve got just the formula for a great wardrobe and a good impression come this fall.
Fierce. The No. 1 adjective that you want to exemplify is fierce. Though tattoos are generally accepted as the premier symbol of fierceness, they also tend to be very permanent, so choose wisely should you go that route. (My general rule is no words, birds or unicorns.) A close second to getting ink done is wearing a T-shirt with the sleeves torn (not cut) as well as a tear straight down the middle in the front. This shows everyone you are not afraid of letting it all show, as well as the fact that you make your own rules.
Next on our list of adjectives to exemplify is the age-old, time-tested “saucy.” In the winter this is easily accomplished with a simple fire patterned silk scarf and a puffy vest with fur around the collar. During the first few months of the semester, however, this will be difficult to pull off because of the extremely high temperatures. Ergo, I instead urge a general attitude of sauciness as opposed to dress. For example, if someone tries to mooch a fry off of your plate, smile and then slap them twice on the same cheek and follow it with, “Next time I’ll put you in the oven and forget about you.” If someone uses your towel after showering, take that person’s towels outside and burn them, since he or she obviously don’t need them anymore now that he or she has found your towels. In summary, establish yourself as the diva in all situations. This is pivotal.
Finally, I want all of you out there to do what I call “bringing the heat.” There are several ways that you can bring the heat in your dating fashion, but the premier way is through wildly flamboyant shoes. Crocs have made this even easier than before by introducing those cool buttons you can put in your already obnoxiously bright garden shoes. Also, if you get yourself a fresh new pair of tulip patterned rain boots, you’ll be set for rain or shine.
Though I fear many of you will disregard this article as mere humor, I hope you have found at least a bit of insight from my well- researched and well-thought-out study in the art of fashion. One of those insights may have been the fact that I have no business writing a dating column, or even that I may have spent one too many days by myself with no TV or Internet this summer. Or maybe you’ve found that never again will you take the advice of someone else regarding your style because it is, after all, your style. If nothing else I hope it’s the latter, because that means you’re already on the path to becoming saucy. Welcome back everybody. Let’s do work this semester.
Andy’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at a.taylor@cavalierdaily.com.
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