As a first-year student, one of my favorite forms of entertainment was spotting stragglers head back to their dorm rooms Saturday, Sunday and even occasionally Friday mornings. Observing those slow-paced walk-of-shamers really is the pinnacle of people watching. Even those that went to parties requiring no special attire are distinguishable by their hunched shoulders and squinty-eyed faces as they shuffle back to their buildings.
By far the best opportunities to watch for walks of shame though are around the times of year when themed parties are the most prevalent. The morning after St. Patrick's Day especially, is a very funny time to take a stroll down Rugby Road and watch for leftovers. It is pretty hard for anyone making his or her way back on that morning to hide the garish green attire they still have on. While St. Patrick's Day has its moments, Halloween, however, is definitely the undisputed champion of the funniest walks of shame. I am sure that if you peeked out the window anytime before noon this past weekend you saw at least one person trudging back in their vampire cape or carrying their fairy wings from the night before.
Nevertheless, while I admit to deriving more than a little enjoyment from spotting these people, I am certainly not advocating the walk of shame. Sure it's funny when someone in a toga has to scrape their way past a morning admissions tour, but it is a tad tacky on the part of the pseudo-Roman caught doing it. After all, we are more than halfway through the semester now. At this point, even all you first-year students should have picked up a few tricks to avoid such sticky situations. But, just in case you haven't, here are some good rules of thumb for beginners and a little refresher course for older readers.
The most basic way to avoid the walk of shame is simple: When the party is over, go home. Making it back to your own abode should never be difficult if you are sticking to the three cardinal rules of going out. First, never go anywhere by yourself. You'd be surprised how much a difference having someone to walk home with makes. It is not only safer for everyone involved, but it heightens your motivation if the fate of another person is entangled in your decision to stay or go. Second, always have your cell phone charged and on you. This too is a primary safety rule, but it also increases your means of finding ways home and tracking down buddies to walk back with you. The third rule then comes in close conjunction with the second, within your cell phone you should have a repertoire of resources to help get you home in the event that you cannot do it yourself. I mean, come on people, they give you the numbers of Safe Ride and Yellow Cab at orientation for a reason.
If, however, luck is not in your favor and you find yourself stuck somewhere other than your official place of residence, then it is time to throw the rules out the window and just do damage control. First and foremost remember: It is only a walk of shame if someone sees you doing it. Make an effort to wake up before the average college student (usually any time before 9 a.m.) and you are in the clear to slip back to your room and remove your Tinkerbell costume unnoticed. When this is not an option though, there is only one thing you can do. Clean yourself up, make your outfit look as normal as possible and act natural when you walk home. This final option should always be a last resort because it isn't totally effective at saving face. Be that as it may, if this is the only viable option left to you, you might as well just get it over with because it probably isn't an especially proud morning for you anyway.
So now that you've had a review in the essentials of avoiding shame, hopefully you will never find yourself sneaking past prospective students in your 80s apparel from the previous night. Let's face it - we call it the walk of shame for a reason. No matter how much our culture might glorify those people who are able to party all night, we never look admiringly upon the ones who couldn't make it back before morning. So take a leaf out the book of that vampire you dressed up as: Run wild during the night, but always be home before the sun rises.
Katie's column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at k.mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
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