Top 10 Olympic Sports
1. Snowboarding
Snowboarding is a sport I’ll always admire, simply on the principle that it involves doing physical exercise. Outside. In cold weather. Willingly. It’s hard not to like a sport dominated by a lanky ginger nicknamed “The Flying Tomato” doing tricks nicknamed the “Bloody Dracula” and “Swiss Cheese Air.” And yes, trying to picture what those could possibly be in visual form is going to get you absolutely nowhere.
2. Ice Skating
If you look up guilty pleasure in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of me hate-watching a pre-pubescent Michelle Trachtenberg doing some questionable spins on a fake frozen pond. Or, if you’re anything like my brothers, ice skating calls Will Ferrell’s underrated hit “Blades of Glory” to mind. Watching ice skating is basically a sad trip down memory lane that reminds us we’ll never look as good as these women (and men) in skin-tight sheer dresses.
3. Hockey
It is easier to turn down a Cookout milkshake than it is to resist chanting “USA! USA!” alone in your bed watching the Americans beat the Soviets in “Miracle.” Plus, hockey guys are fun; the fewer teeth you have, the more engaging you are, right? Though motivation for the sport is questionable — who really wants to strap sharp blades to their feet and run around on ice? — it’s admirable. These big guys have more balance and coordination than we give them credit for, and being slammed into a wall doesn’t seem like a good time either.
4. Curling
I believe curling is more an exercise in brainpower for the viewer than actual exertion on the part of the athlete. How does this sport even work? Why is Google-searching “how do you play curling” making me even more confused? Why are there brooms involved? What are you sweeping? The ice seems pretty clean to me. I hate brooms. Why are you wearing such insane outfits? Can I borrow one and wear it for Boy’s Bid Night next year?
5. Ski Jumping
First of all, who thought it was a totally sane and feasible idea to launch a person off a 430-foot ramp into the air, flip a couple times and land on thin fiberglass things no wider than a particularly large carrot? When I was 8, I took a ski lift up to the top of the Olympic ski-jump at Lake Placid and cried the whole way up. Needless to say I chose to walk back down rather than jump. Every time I watch this event, I find myself doing a silent prayer to Santa and Frosty the Snowman that the snow is soft enough to cushion a potential fall. I lose feeling in my face as I hold my breath through the entire event.
6. Opening Ceremony watching
The Olympic Opening Ceremonies are a little bit like a geography lesson. Don’t lie and say you can recognize every country that walks around the arena. Also, countries below the equator, your participation in the Winter Olympics confuses me. Why would you ever want to leave the perpetual warmth of your country to purposely do things in snow? My complaining about the cold may be getting a little out of hand at this point, but once you start me I can’t be stopped. It’s like the Opening Ceremonies: they start, and three hours later they’re still going. And going. And going.
7. Complaining about the weather
Seriously, if there was an award for time spent telling people how much I hate the cold I would have 15 of them. News about the polar vortex only rationalizes my inevitable complaints. Sure, the snow on the Rotunda merits an Instagram from every person with an iPhone, but I’d rather be in shorts and a T-shirt admiring it as a #tbt.
8. Making it to class on time
We all deserve a medal for making it out of our beds in the morning. One might say this is a full-time job that supplements all the work we have to “do” for our classes. I probably expel more brainpower convincing myself it’s worth it to walk down Wertland in negative twelve-zillion degree weather than I do actually doing my readings. At this point I half-expect a prize for making it to my seat on time. You’re welcome, Comm School professor, for gracing you with my presence.
9. Hating Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day, the thing we all hate to love. Alternatively, and more commonly, the thing we love to hate. Some people love love and some people hate hate. I tend to hate love and love hate — who even cares about emotions anyway? Doesn’t the color red usually symbolize anger? Why are there so many hearts everywhere? I already eat enough chocolate, so why does covering it in red heart-shaped wrappers rationalize eating more of it? Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
10. Binge-watching TV
Or, alternatively, the embodiment of “it’s a marathon, not a sprint.” This saying is all too relevant for the lethal pairing of my couch with the realization that there are in fact 15 seasons of Law and Order: SVU. Dun dun. Things that an Olympic sport requires: dedicating hours of your day to the skill (check), an unwavering determination to never give up (check), prioritizing and putting your sport ahead of everything (check), sacrificing nights out and time with friends for practice (double check). I always knew I was an Olympian.
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