As we get older, we see a lot of dreams come and go. At six, I wanted to be a professional baseball player. At 12, I still wanted to be a professional baseball player. By 15, I had swallowed the harsh pill of cynicism prescribed to me by Dr. Life, and lowered my dream standards. I dreamed instead of being a high school baseball star who blew out his knee in front of all the college scouts, destined to grow into a middle-aged man constantly wracked with thoughts about what could have been.
Dr. Life had one more suppository with my name on it, though, and I got cut from my high school baseball team. Twice.
But what being bitter about high school baseball tryouts for the past six years has taught me is that the easiest way to attain our dreams is simply to lie about achieving them. When people find out how much I love baseball, I simply let them assume I played high school baseball by casually and constantly insinuating how great I was at it. I’m never going to play baseball with any of these people. They’ll never know the truth.
The key to achieving your dreams through lying is to start small, to build up a “resume” of sorts. And believe me, your dreams can go much bigger than high school baseball.
For example, let’s say you dream of climbing Mt. Everest. You’ll want to start right at the beginning of college, when you have a blank slate. Lie and tell everyone about how you started a rock-climbing club at your high school, and maybe look up a brand of expensive rock climbing gear on Amazon so you can tell all your friends that your $1000 Asolo Manaslu GV Mountaineering Boots are your prized possession.
“Hey, ____, what did you do this weekend?” your friends will ask. And you can regale them with tales of how you went hiking for three days and two nights on some off-the-path trails they never would have heard of.
All of a sudden, you’re the guy who doesn’t go out on weekends, but that’s okay because you’re really into rock climbing, and that’s rad. In reality, you’ve been holed up inside your bedroom all weekend, teaching yourself Photoshop so that your Facebook photo album entitled “The Path to Everest” matches all these lies you’re telling. Carry on this charade for four years, make the mountain background on your Photoshopped profile pictures larger and more exquisite over time, and you’ll be able to convince everyone at your five-year college reunion that you did it — you conquered Everest at age 25.
A small aside: always, always, always have your facts straight when telling such a bold-faced lie. If some smarmy skeptic starts to give your story the third degree, you’ll want to be able to dance with him or her. In the case of our Mt. Everest climber, though, just mention that 17 people died climbing the mountain in 2014 alone, and you’ll have a free pass to remain sullen and quiet for the rest of the night.
Climbing Mt. Everest is a bit of a grandiose dream, but lying to fulfill your life’s greatest fantasy works on a spectrum. Do you dream of living in Paris, but know you’ll never be able to afford it? Google six or seven French words, drop some cash on a mid-priced, French-sounding wine, and move yourself out to the heart of Appalachia instead. Just remember to complain about how your flight got delayed out of the Charles de Gaulle Airport, but that you’ll never forget the two years you spent living in the City of Love.
Your new neighbors will be far too hospitable to call you out, especially once you’ve shown them your new(ly Photoshopped) profile picture — you using forced perspective to make a very normal-sized baguette look taller than the Arc de Triomphe.
If you’re willing to lie both often enough and confidently enough, there’s no dream you can’t make come true. Dream big — you could be a man who found his inner-self after opening a pie shop in downtown Johannesburg, a woman who flew around the world on a kite or an international spy currently on the run from Uzbekistani authorities.
Lying to achieve your dreams saves you the energy from actually having to do anything at all. Plus, it saves you the heartbreak if you try and fail to achieve them. Lie, and you’ll have the adoration of friends and strangers alike. Lie, and you’ll be happy, proud and fulfilled.
Just like me.
Nick Gibiser is a Humor writer.
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