1. Paper planes
Have you ever had the sudden urge to make a paper plane, only to find you have no paper? Well, lucky for you, after four years at the University, they just hand you a top-notch sheet of quality paper. Just like that! And it only cost you thousands of dollars in student loans. Okay, maybe you started losing hair to stress and now you have that weird eye twitch — but aren’t paper airplanes just so much fun for about five minutes?
This is basically paper plane-making at an accelerated level. I must confess even I cannot make the iconic origami swan. Also, my paper planes suck. But for those with true paper-folding talent, origami may just be for you. And for those who don’t know origami, well you have four years to learn before the true test of using those skills on your degree. The bending and stressing of the paper is really symbolic of how you felt as you were earning it.
3. Thank-you notes
One good thing about graduation is you figure out who cares about you based on how much money they give you. Don’t reward their love with crappy, impersonal notes that come saying “thank you” and all you’ve done is sign your name. Instead, cut up your degree and paste parts of it into each note. This way, you’ve added a personal touch and your degree has actually managed to be useful.
4. Paper mache
The only paper mache I’ve ever done involved blowing up a balloon and slapping soppy paper all over it. I ended up with a round thing that had absolutely no function. As your degree is a flat thing with absolutely no function, why not make it round and slightly more interesting? Those who actually know what they’re doing — probably the same people as the origami pros — can maybe make something a bit more useful. I’ve seen some cool bowls, so there’s that.
5. Throw it in people’s face
I mean this literally. Crumple your degree up into a ball and throw it at people. I recommend a sneak attack. Hide behind a wall or bush, wait for your unwary prey and then attack! However, I do not recommend doing this to your parents. If you were to miss, they might say something along the lines of, “I told you that degree would be useless.” And wouldn’t that just suck?
6. Scrap paper
If you still use a landline, then you know the pain of not having paper nearby when someone gives you an address or phone number to remember. But with your very own college degree, you too can enjoy phone calls. Just leave the degree and a pen next to your landline from the 1950s — seriously I’m not even sure if it’s called a landline — and take notes to your hearts content. Never again will you trip over the phone cord while desperately searching for pen and paper.
7. Toilet paper
As college students, we are just too broke to afford the nice two-ply toilet paper. Good thing we’ve been slowly investing in some high-grade toilet paper for four years. At the end of those four years, the University is going to hand us the most expensive toilet paper on the market. Rip it up for multiple uses.
8. Threatening letters
Has someone done you wrong? Have you run out of magazines to make those creepy notes where you cut and past individual magazine letters? Well, now you can make all of the threatening letters you want with your degree. It even has a fancy font! Blackmail in style. Threaten with a certain je ne sais quoi that other criminals just can’t match. I recommend your first letter go to the bank so you can haggle for a little debt forgiveness.
9. An entirely irrelevant job
The number one thing that degrees are good for: getting a job in a field entirely irrelevant to the degree and the last four years of your life. Sometimes, you really enjoy this job and thank your degree for its benevolence. Other times, you hate the job and your degree has a one-way ticket to becoming toilet paper. I recommend this route. It’s much easier to just get a job than to actually look for one you want.
10. An entirely relevant job
So you’ve decided to take the road less traveled by? You want a job in a field that actually interests you? Well, good luck, I guess. On the bright side, this might just make all of your debt worth it. On the not-so-bright side, when people follow their hearts in career choice, it’s generally not in the direction of wealth. So is the debt then worth it? Better to just forget it exists and then check back in a few years.