I’m a bit of a slow learner. I didn’t learn how to ride a bike until the fourth grade. I didn’t really do sports or like, exercise, until high school, and I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 18. I’m also, as most critics would say, “pathetically inexperienced” in the realm of romance.
I started strong though. I went on my first date in seventh grade, and I got dumped for the first time in seventh grade. So those are two major boxes checked off right there. We got demerits for hugging in my middle school, so you can imagine how outlandishly huge a date was. We saw Secretariat, and I discovered I hated horse movies. She texted during most of it — probably another man. That following Monday, she told me, “I think we should just be friends,” and I, already budding into the well-spoken poet that I am today, responded “Ok.” We are still friends to this day — on Facebook.
Nothing notable developed in high school, so we can skip that. If we were talking about lame stuff like “personal growth” or “socioemotional development” in that time of my life, I’d have plenty to say — but who would read that? The readers want romance, man. You won’t find much of that in my high school story. Remember, I didn’t get my license until I was 18, so that nipped most possibilities of romance.
I went on my next date the summer after high school. It was my friend’s friend I met while she was working at a restaurant. She was bussing a table, and I jumped in the booth and threw out a silky-smooth line like, “So why do they call it ‘bussing’ a table?” We got bagels, and then I never heard from her again. We’re still Facebook friends though.
I got my first and second kisses when I was 19. The night before my 20th birthday this summer, I got a John-you-shouldn’t-be-20-without-having-kissed-someone kiss, and then a Wow-your-first-kiss-sucked-try-opening-your-mouth-this-time kiss approximately 10 seconds later. I also went to the Ultrabar in D.C. this past summer and performed the grinding motion I saw so much in high school. You’d think after seeing it performed so many times I’d have vicariously learned. But I didn’t, and it was uncomfortable for all parties involved. I think she went back to Colombia. I never got her Facebook.
After those hot summer nights, I returned to this buckwild University. My most regular romantic encounter now is when I’m in class and the girls sitting next to me initiate leg contact. You know I’m leg-contacting back, until I sneak a glance down and realize I’ve been playing footsie with her backpack for the past 15 minutes. I’m reeling in the hugs though left and right, baby. And no middle school teacher can give me a demerit now!
While I don’t have too many romantic encounters, I do have a lot of friends who share theirs. They have much more interesting stories, with recurring characters, plot twists, betrayal and everything. Too bad you’re stuck reading my story where you can see Bagel Girl dropping me from a mile away. Sometimes, hearing my friends’ experiences gets me concerned that I’m behind the curve. I remember my friend and I got on the topic of “body count” once.
“12,” he said. “You?”
“Um. Less than 12.” Like I said, I’ve been a master articulator since the seventh grade.
I’m not too worried about being behind that figure, but it just hit me while writing this that I’ve never been on a second date. Let me tell you, I had to listen to a lot of Drake before coming back here. I wish I could say my mom said something really comforting or I finally found The One. Instead, I just have a couple reassuring thoughts — the most important women in my life are my mother, my sister and my wife, and I’ve already found two of them!
Assuming I’m not 2/3 through my life, I’m still ahead of the curve. Logic. If you think it’s callous of me not to include a potential daughter, she doesn’t exist yet, and I can’t include someone who doesn’t exist. It would be awkward if she ended up existing and reading this. I know that in order to help her chances of existing, it’s not about meeting girls, it’s about meeting The Girl. And I think most of us are still in the same vicinity on that one.
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