On Sept. 4 at 4:00 p.m., Trump’s communications team led by God-knows-who at this point formally announced that all domestic and foreign issues will be dealt with next month. This of course being due to the fact that President Donald Trump plans to fight undefeated world champion Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring.
Just as the press became a frenzy and the Washington Post changed their motto to “Democracy Dies in Broad Daylight,” UFC President Dana White made his way to the podium. Red-faced and veins bulging, White exclaimed in certain terms that Donald “Cheeto-in-Chief” Trump will be fighting world-champion Floyd “Money” Mayweather in the ring next month.
This announcement comes days after Mayweather maintained his spotless career record against Conor “I’ve-never-boxed-before” McGregor and announced his permanent retirement. Surely this decision comes as Trump maintains fantastically low approval ratings and the is now stealing publicity stunts, a strategy even Nixon didn’t think to try.
Seconds after Dana White passed out behind the microphone after running out of oxygen, Trump released an official statement on his Twitter page saying: “Hope they’ll like me now #REALnews,” which was quickly taken down and replaced by: “Gonna beat Mayweather in the ring next month, I can’t even read! SAD!” This tweet was then deleted and replaced by: “He can’t even read, I mean! #obamasucks,” making as much sense as you think it does.
After White was revived and put back in his Aston Martin, Press Secretary Huckabee Sanders returned to the podium to announce the details of the fight. It will be broadcast on the “Trump News” Facebook page, costing $13 trillion per view. The event will be hosted in Bedminster, N.J., and he will not be wearing gloves because “he’s a real man’s man.” Other aides in the White House confirmed afterwards that his hands are too small to fit boxing gloves.
Mayweather was contacted for comment but it just went to his voicemail, a 40-minute message in which Floyd slowly counts a fraction of the money he made Saturday night.
Conor McGregor was asked to comment on this development but his tirade was too explicit to print.
Some analysts have been quick to note that the development of this fight is no surprise as there are framed posters all around Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort, which depict the president training alongside Muhammed Ali as well as starring in Rocky Movies I through V.
Trump later that evening held a press conference in the Oval Office, noting that all proceeds of the fight will go to the Putin-Kushner Fund for Orphaned Russians, also known as the “Trump 2020 campaign.” Trump also noted that he thinks all political conflicts should be resolved with hand-to-hand combat, at which Kim Jong-Un coughed up his dinner.
Before he left the presser, Trump noted that he “realized how much money Mayweather made this weekend and I compared it to how much I make doing absolutely noth-,” at which moment a member of the Trump administration pulled the fire alarm.
As the water cascaded from the ceiling, ruining the historic shag carpets, Trump could be heard yelling at the top of his lungs, “He’s gonna be 45-0 because I’m number 45!” — a remark which exhibits a poor grasp of common knowledge and how numbers work.
The fight will be a month from Thursday, Sept. 7, if Trump is still president by then.
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