As the weather turns colder and the leaves turn orangier, students all across Grounds may be thinking about dumping that long-distance summer fling from back home. Well, they’re in luck because we’ve compiled a list of ways to do it without emotionally scarring them too much. Thank me later.
1. “I’m pregnant with someone else’s baby.”
The good old pregnancy scare. It’ll send even the most committed boo thang running to the nearest bus out of town. Save this one for after you’ve had one too many trips to the dumpling truck — if you have a food baby, it’s only half a lie, right?
2. “I can’t do long distance. I need constant cute couple pictures to post on my Instagram.”
Everyone knows that cute couple pictures are a total like-trap, and you need to have a steady stream to post to the ‘gram. By the time he gets here to visit, everyone will have already posted cute pics at Carter Mountain and yours will just get lost in the fray. You have to stay on the top of your game if you want to get to 1,000 followers, and long distance just won’t cut it.
3. “After seeing Justin Timberlake at A Concert for Charlottesville, I realized that I have a weird thing for 36 year old men with goatees.”
Honestly, who doesn’t have a thing for Justin Timberlake after that performance? He might be old and have a wife and child, but damn. Like, damn. Sorry babe, but he brought sexy back and I don’t ever want it to leave.
4. “I need to focus on school.”
While this one sounds like an obvious cop out, it doesn’t have to be completely false depending on your situation. By “school,” you could mean that hottie who sits on the other side of your 200 person psych lecture. And hey, on the off chance that he talks to you, you need to have your options open. When I try to focus on school, I end up focusing on the literally thousands of hot guys my age who are literally everywhere across grounds. Sorry, former lover, we just have to break up.
5. “I’m taking a vow of celibacy and joining a convent in Spain.”
This one works really well if you drop it right before you study abroad. If he questions this lie’s legitimacy, you’ll have a plane ticket to prove it. Just make sure he doesn’t see that your suitcase is full of crop tops and clubbing clothes. International data charges and entire oceans of separation will make it really easy to keep this swerve going for at least a few weeks. Hopefully, by the time you get caught, he’ll have moved on with someone a little less cute than you.
6. “I accidently got married.”
“I was out one night at Trin, casually sipping yet another vodka cranberry, as a sweaty guy aggressively grinded on me, when I saw him. We locked eyes from across the room, and he awkwardly pushed his way through the crowd to me. When he finally reached me, he grabbed my face in both his hands. ‘I love you,’ he said looking deep into my eyes. At first I was annoyed, since he spilled my vodka cranberry, but then as I looked at him. I mean truly looked at him, and I felt as though I was staring at the missing half of my own soul. We left the bar hand-in-hand, smiling like teenage girls who just found out they put “One Tree Hill” back on Netflix. We hopped in an Uber, and the rest is history. My bad, bro.”
7. “I’m going as a ‘single person’ for Halloween.”
I mean, if you aren’t in a relationship, that’s what most people’s Halloween costumes are trying to convey anyway. Who can knock you for authenticity? If you want a truly legendary costume, planning starts NOW! Step one, lose the boyfriend. Step two, get lit.
8. “It’s my life goal to be a spinster cat lady, and you’re really getting in the way of that.”
Let’s be real, at the rate most of our love lives are going, this is going to become a reality eventually. We might as well embrace it. Besides, cats are adorable! No boo thing can compare. Bonus: if your now ex-crush ends up being weird or clingy, you’ll have an army of cats to protect you. It’s a win-win.
Read More
Dear Power Outlet, My Dearest Darling Love
By Maggie McHaty | 7 hours agoMy dearest darling love, the concussion to my midnight snowball fights on the Lawn, the 2023 sewage flood to my Brown Residential College, I know I should not have come back.
University squirrels unionize
By Claudia Hunn | 6 days agoThis week, an unlikely group discovered their own collective power as workers by unionizing — a community of University squirrels now known as the Squirrel Workers’ Guild, or SWG.
Launching My Career as a Background Extra at U.Va.
By Sneha Uppal | April 2, 2024You may be wondering why I always played an almost invisible background character. But, you see, it turns out I had been training for a role I had set my eyes on for my whole life.
