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U.Va. News Roundup

Welcome back to the “U.Va. News Roundup,” your home for a completely factual (and not at all satirical) compilation of entirely truthful events happening around Grounds. Please, put your dumplings down, your iClicker away and change that SIS password once more as you settle in for today’s takes.

Our first story tonight involves newly-named University President James E. Ryan. Ryan has announced that his first policy as president will be to implement a brand new “Three Strike Policy” when it comes to the lingo of the school. That’s right, if you accidentally throw out the word “sophomore” or happen to call these hallowed Grounds a “campus,” then you will be given a strike. What happens when you receive three strikes? Great question. As the old song goes, “It’s one, two, three strikes you’re out,” so any student who incurs three of these penalties will be automatically ejected from the school, no questions asked. So study up on your University lingo, freshmen, or else you might be on a different campus. Damnit.

Our second story of the night involves last Friday’s Bicentennial Celebration event. Although this event was undoubtedly considered a success by students and administrators alike, there was one dark shadow on an otherwise luminous night. If you’re thinking of that extensively long opening song, then you’re right! Students and alumni were shocked to hear the same two minutes of music repeated over and over a good four or five times. There’s no denying the talent of all the musicians and singers on the stage, but the song was universally criticized for being universally terrible. “It was a bit long,” lamented University Football Coach Bronco Mendenhall, who echoed a similar sentiment expressed by Leslie Odom Jr., who attested that the song was an “amalgam of quotes from the Declaration of Independence and nothing more.” The Honor Committee is reportedly pressing charges against the composer of said song for plagiarism, stating that the song “directly drew from outside sources (the Declaration of Independence) without proper citation or credit given.” We here at the U.Va. News Roundup will keep you updated on any further developments in the case.

Our final story tonight is about a certain character everyone has been seeing around grounds. Of course, there are many quasi-famous University celebrities — such as Wheelie Kid — that everyone can recognize around Grounds. However, in recent years a new character has emerged around the University: Sensitive Indie Boy. These days, it is easy to find Sensitive Boy around the University due to some major giveaways. Sensitive Indie Boy can be found wearing cuffed pants that lightly hang above a slightly worn pair of Birkenstocks or Vans. He can be identified by a t-shirt referencing some obscure band or by a short-sleeved, button-down shirt that just doesn’t fit him quite right. He is constantly plugged into headphones, listening to the newest Mac Demarco record or something of that nature. You can quickly identify him by the tone of his voice, usually pleading to some girl that he is “different from those frat boys she used to date” and that he “totally gets her.” Is Sensitive Indie Boy doing all these things for a reason? What are his motives? You can find out for yourself, or you can tune in next week for some more U.Va. News Roundup.