Should you invest in John? A prospectus

A special Cavalier Daily Financial Report


Should you bet your money on John? It’s still difficult to tell if buying John stocks today will reward you with dividends tomorrow. As trading closes for the semester, we look back on this difficult-to-pin asset’s performance so far.

Market Summary after Semester Six

After the bear market of Semester Five, John stock rallied this semester, although its value remained plagued by high volatility throughout the period that has some investors reluctant to add stocks of John to their portfolio.

This tumultuousness clearly showed itself in these last weeks of trading. The John market overheated during finals season, which most analysts attribute to an unsustainable spike in productivity. After three weeks of intense activity, this bubble burst approximately two hours into John’s final exam when the market and his mind collapsed. Since then the grade data has come in, and we see that this late-semester flurry resulted in mixed results across the economics, English and accounting sectors.

John further rattled investor confidence in May when his net worth plummeted $40 in a single hour. The media dubbed this crisis “The Trinity Happy Hour Massacre of 2018.” After downing a “trash can” cocktail and three steins of Bold Rock, John further amplified the magnitude of this market crash by spilling his friend’s beer and then uttering what can only be described as a squawk at another friend who startled him by saying “hi” while jogging by. Both actions did little to improve his stock’s public image, although follow-up texts to all parties verified the damage was negligible.

Despite these tumbles, John stock’s market price rode a relatively upward trend this past semester. Even with the relative bullishness of the market, fears from last semester still linger in the back of some shareholders’ minds.

For instance, John’s securing of a business internship this fall gave his stock a much-needed boost, although many investors murmured about the possibility of a “Forget tax accounting, I want to be a novelist!” phase tumbling the market into the worst recession since the middle school depression. Paranoid stockholders have named this fear “Going Full English Major” (GFEM).

The market’s response to John’s Alternative Spring Break camping trip demonstrates GFEM fears’ continued presence. Although many shareholders were pleased John could lead a group into the California desert with minimal camping experience or ChapStick and suffer zero casualties, many sold out after the trip. While proponents argued that this experience testified to the durability of John stock, a contingent of paranoid investors claimed this camping trip only contributes to the likelihood of a GFEM crisis as John can now live and write mystery novels in the wilderness for at least seven days at a time.

This uncertainty whether John will spend his adult life in a cubicle or a tent seems to be hurting his head and his stock’s valuation. John bonds are also notably pricey due to the default premium associated with this uncertainty.

Moving Forward: A Stock to Watch

The crystal ball looking into John’s future remains murky. However, our analysts believe now is the best time to invest in John stocks. Despite his market value taking a hit after a tough third year, we believe traditional metrics underestimate his intrinsic value, which we expect to shine next semester, thus making now the time to buy and then buy some more of John stock.

“I think John shows a lot of potential!” lifelong investor Linda Patterson verifies. She may be biased, though.

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