With school out and the summer sun in full swing, it's time to have some fun with fashion. I've compiled a list of fun, flirty and fabulous fashion statements that are sure to transform your image from dreary to dreamy.*
1. Sassy sandals
Sassy sandals is for all you quirky kids who want to apply a new twist to a tired trend. I actually discovered this look when raiding my local Payless shortly after they declared bankruptcy. What I did was stealthily finagle some knock off Nike Airs off the shelf and slide them into my trench coat pocket. Next, I bought some shoelaces that I didn't need, so as to distract the employees from my petty theft. I then exited the store (remember, to make this work you will have to act as casual as humanly possible) and strode into the A.C. Moore next door, whereupon I acquired a pair of fabric scissors. I was then able to deftly cut the knock off Nike Airs so that my toes stuck out of the top: an unexpected yet effective way of saying, "Death toe the establishment!" What resulted was an incredibly tasteful, inexpensive and most importantly, sassy look.
2. Rollin' in Dough
This look is great in that it requires only two things of the wearer: number one, a sizable amount of dough (Pillsbury is a go-to, but really any kind is a viable option), and number two, the physical ability to roll. I know you may be thinking, "What? Rolling in dough isn't a fashion statement!" But that's exactly it. The non-statement is an incredibly succinct statement in itself: overthrow the bourgeoisie! By simply rolling in dough, you're essentially saying,
"Screw off with your ‘avant-garde’ money dress, Lady Gaga, and take a look at my broke, naked ass! Which is covered in real — not metaphorical — dough, by the way. I'm real, and all you are is play dough."
Plus it's cheap, and a great look for birthday parties.
3. Hunka Hunka Burn in Hell
This is a beautifully masochistic look for all my emo friends out there who want some preventable pain in their lives. First, you should make sure that the weather forecast shows a UV index of 10. You will then want to cancel all plans between the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 8:30 p.m.; if you go about this look correctly, the only things you see today will be the sun and the ground where your eyes meet it. You're also going to have to wear something that exposes a lot of skin: either a bathing or a birthday suit. Then, simply pick a spot with not too much overgrowth where the sun’s cancer rays can roast you at maximum effect. Turn over every couple hours, or when you feel your skin has been satisfactorily singed. By sunset, your skin will flaunt a beautiful, feisty red or orange! Our commander in chief will certainly be flattered that he is honored in this growing fashion trend.
4. Censorchic
Last but certainly not least, censorchic is coined for its coy approach to a flirtatious look. What I did to assemble this piece was travel to my local Home Depot (although any home improvement store should work) and pick up a slab of plywood, gray or black spray paint, or some dutiful double sided tape. I then proceeded to enter the bathroom, not in order to relieve myself, but so that I may take off my constrictive clothes without being kicked out of the store. Whilst in the Home Depot bathroom, I covered the plywood plank with spray paint and used the double sided tape to apply the slab to my body. Readers following this fashion tip should place the plywood over any body part they consider slightly risqué for a playful, feminist fashion statement.
If you follow any of these fashion tips, you're sure to make a statement without draining your bank account. I hope this article inspired you to tap into the undiscovered fashionista within you!
*The author does not claim responsibility for any negative repercussions one might face as a result of these fashion tips, including the violation of any theft or indecent exposure laws. WEAR AT YOUR OWN RISK.
Erin Clancy is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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