Surviving Thanksgiving break

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Humor Eshaan Sarup gives his tips and tricks to survive the upcoming break.

Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

It’s THAT point in the semester — you have six exams even though you’re only in five classes, are always somewhat sick and can’t wake up in time for your 1 p.m. class. It’s been “midterm week” for about a month, but now it’s finally Thanksgiving Break. All you want to do is sit back, relax and forget about life for a little bit. Unfortunately, your family has different plans. When you sit at the dining table this Thanksgiving, you will inevitably be barraged with questions you just don’t know how to answer. Questions like:

“What are you majoring in?”

For you pre-comm kids — also known as half the first-year population — be prepared to explain that you are NOT studying communications. But what if, after figuring out commerce is just a more pretentious way of saying “business,” they ask what made you choose this major? Simply stick to one of the big three — you want to make money, all of your friends are doing it and you’d love to wear suits to class.                               

This is the ONLY social situation where E-school kids will have a much easier time than Comm kids. It’s a pretty simple process — you say your major, they respond, “Oh wow, I would not be smart enough to do that” and you silently smile and nod, resisting the urge to scream that you’ve had at least six mental breakdowns in Thornton stacks this semester and probably aren’t smart enough to do it either.

Unfortunately, us arts-and-crafts kids don’t have it so easy. You will undoubtedly be asked “what kind of job are you going to get with that?” ESPECIALLY if you’re majoring in anything that ends with “studies.” Rather than get on your soapbox and preach about how college is about studying what you’re interested in and learning how to learn — convenient when you aren’t the one paying tuition — your best bet is to mutter something about going to grad school and stuff your mouth with mashed potatoes. 

“How is sophomore year going?”

How do you explain to your old aunt May that “we say second-year because Thomas Jefferson himself said that learning is a lifelong pursuit” without sounding completely pretentious? The simple answer is that you can’t. The only solution is to correct her and establish dominance over your cousin who goes to Tech by launching into a long, educational speech about the greatness of our lord and founder Thomas Jefferson. Just, you know, make sure to leave out the part about owning and raping slaves. I mean, they don’t need to know EVERYTHING about his life, right?

“Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend yet?”

Oh, a true catch-22. If the answer is “yes” you’ll be flooded with personal questions about their family, what they’re like and how you guys met. And it probably isn’t acceptable to say that you just wanted some Instagram arm-candy and didn’t ask too many questions. 

If the answer is “no” you’ll quickly be hit with a “why not?” or a “maybe you should try being less *insert any minor character flaw you have*” and perhaps a “you should totally meet *insert anybody they know who’s within two years of your age*” for good measure.  

The only safe way to answer this is the classic “it’s complicated.” Even if it really isn’t complicated at all, and she hasn’t texted you back since you introduced her to your much more attractive friend — Derrick.

“Do you go to parties?”

While outright lying would be the best bet here, if you’re anything like me you’re biologically incapable of doing so. I’d advise mastering the art of the “half-lie.” Say you go out “on occasion” — rather than every weekend. “I don’t really drink” — because we all know Burnette’s is closer to baby oil than vodka anyways. And that the parties are really “just a few friends hanging out” — not a bunch of kids crammed into a humid, sticky frat house yelling the lyrics to Mr. Bright Side.

“How are your grades?”

Honestly, you came out to have a good time and are feeling pretty attacked right now. What right do they have to ask such personal, intimate information? You’d sooner reveal the number of parties you’ve been to than the grade you got on your last accounting exam. Because let’s be real, the former much higher. 

Of course, we all love our families. But, when you inevitably see a story Friday about a stabbing in Walmart over a $300 TV, just know there’s an 85 percent chance the culprit was defending his choice to major in “Canadian Studies” the day before.

Eshaan Sarup is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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