A month ago, I couldn’t believe another decade had arrived! Decades are so rare. Did you hear that they only come around once every 10 years? It’s wild, I know. Like many others, I took this new beginning as an opportunity to reflect on how I have grown over the years. And because this past decade comprised literally half of my entire existence, it shouldn’t be that difficult.
I began the 2010s as a mere ten-year-old navigating my way through the battlefield that was the fifth grade. Every aspect of my life was in utter turmoil. Math was starting to involve letters, school lunches were getting “healthier” — aka grosser (Thanks for that one, Michelle Obama.) — and I was dealing with the existential chaos that came with preparing for the world to abruptly end in only two short years. Y’know, normal kid stuff.
I felt like I already knew everything I would ever need to know, and rightfully so. However, that ended up not being the case. The next ten years would prove to be very humbling and eye-opening for me. I would eventually come to terms with the shocking revelation that I, a recent consumer of chapter books who just hit double digits, may still have a thing or two to figure out about life.
I bet you all are now wondering what grand epiphanies I had between the ages of 10 and 20. Well, luckily for you, I have compiled all of my life lessons right here. So, without further ado, here is a list of every single thing — nothing more, nothing less — that I have learned in the past decade:
Still not totally sure what it is, but I now know how to take a derivative — whatever that means. Potential future employers, form an orderly queue.
Justin Bieber still isn’t good:
“Baby” sucked. We’ve known since the beginning of the 2010s. But now somehow a bunch of people have managed to convince themselves that Canada’s worst export’s new song “Yummy” is *fire emoji* *fire emoji* *fire emoji*??? Yes, the single technically came out in the new decade, but I just really needed everyone to know that this song is objectively bad. Like, imagine being Hailey Baldwin and realizing that after months of reflection and creative exploration in the studio, the nicest thing your husband has to say about you is that “you got that yummy-yum, that yummy-yum, that yummy-yummy.” I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure this would qualify as grounds for divorce.
U.Va. is kinda stupid:
Now before any insufferable, overly-attached alumni from the ‘70s, white girls who got “Hoos” tattooed on them after we won the national championship or Jim Ryan himself comes to crucify me in the comments, please hear me out. The University, while home to some extremely bright minds, is also a place where some truly dumb s—t happens. Whether it be not canceling classes during snow storms or the fact that students actually believe that paying exorbitant housing fees for a single room with no toilet is worth it simply because it’s seen as “honorable” and is located next to a very large patch of grass, this school sometimes does not make any sense whatsoever. Throw in the fact that Greenberry’s in Clark charges actual money for a cup of tap water, and you have got some mind-numbingly stupid JustUVAThings!
Donald Trump can **** a ****:
Make of this what you will. That’s all I gotta say on that.
“Drake & Josh” was a progressive children’s television masterpiece:
Though the show aired before this past decade, the 2010s is when I really analyzed and understood how ahead of its time the Nickelodeon sitcom truly was. It’s a non-nuclear family. Strong female characters like Megan, Helen, Mindy — the list goes on. The extremely close relationship between lovable nerds Craig and Eric whom I speculate were actually the gay teen couple that mid-2000s kids so desperately deserved (I am willing to die on this hill). What else could we have possibly asked for?
How to write humor articles:
LMAO don’t worry, this one’s a joke. I still have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe this decade I’ll figure it out! (Probably not, though)
I still have a lot left to learn:
After all of this incredibly insightful and useful information that I have acquired over the past 10 years, there is actually a significant amount that I still have yet to learn about, believe it or not. Questions like “what the actual f—k is the Life section?” and “who were the Five Guys?” have plagued my mind for a while without any answers in sight. I hope that the 2020s offer clarity regarding critical inquiries like these, and when they do, expect another article like this one at the beginning of 2030! (With the very little knowledge I have, I probably won’t graduate on time anyway, so…)
Alisha Kohli is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at email@example.com.