Primary election results: live updates

Humor columnist Cate Streissguth breaks down the 2020 presidential race

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Overall, there is never a dull moment on the trail, even if the trail is just a bunch of Google Chrome tabs open on my computer. Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

The end of football season marks the beginning of primary season (and RuPaul’s Drag Race season 12). Now’s the time for all those Government majors to flex their niche knowledge of electoral politics and make you feel bad about not really knowing what’s going on. Anway, The Cavalier Daily sent me on the campaign trail to see what the word on the suburban street was and we stayed in roadside motels with two stars (the news editor wouldn’t go below three). There were many words, some not so nice, and I’m ready to share. Below are some takeaways, overheard conversations and general observations. 

Bernie Bros seemed to be out in full force at every stop along the way. I came across a group of them buying double trenta vanilla iced macchiatos with oat milk from the local farm to table coffee roaster — one of them just ordered black coffee and wouldn’t shut up about it. They were all dressed in Vans, Human Rights Campaign shirts and had messy brown hair. I asked them for a quote on how they thought Iowa was going. They politely declined saying that, while they weren’t sexist, they didn’t trust women to report objectively. Joke’s on them, I am a humor columnist. 

Joe Biden is still that creepy uncle nobody likes to talk to at Thanksgiving. After he delivered the “punch in the gut” comment in Iowa, it was reported that he angrily “ripped” into his campaign staff, demanding that they get their head in the game. Turns out his campaign staff took it a little too seriously. I saw three staffers near the press tent crying and blowing their runny noses into their “We’re Ridin’ with Biden” shirts. I saw a couple others in the hotel gym kicking a punching bag very, very, very hard. Needless to say, they left New Hampshire early, so my guess is that the Nevada hotels are going to need some tissues. 

Speaking of candidates who are aggressive to their staff, Amy Klobuchar was also in Nevada. And that’s all I can report because The New York Times hit me with the paywall before I could do any real investigating because in case you didn’t realize, The Cavalier Daily didn’t actually send me on the campaign trail. It doesn’t seem like we’re a paper that cares much about the electoral process anymore given their “not endorsing a Student Council president” business. I’m not one to really throw my hat in the ring, but from me to you, I might have accepted an “Ellen invited you to like…” Facebook notification. 

The recent debate was also telling. While MSNBC didn’t give Ken Bone any air time, they did answer a lot of other questions. Amy asked Pete if he thought she was dumb. He just looked at her, slightly smiling, getting ready to condescendingly flex his Rhodes Scholar knowledge. 

There was also a new face — Mike Bloomberg. A candidate that, based on my research, is only relevant because he has enough money to reach every single person in this country with advertisements. His campaign is actually campaigning in Idaho. Who even does that these days? Anyway he has a terrible track record with women, so he is #canceled. But who knows, the Democratic Party is so fragile it may end up endorsing a man almost as disgusting as our fave D.J. Trump. 

Overall, there is never a dull moment on the trail, even if the trail is just a bunch of Google Chrome tabs open on my computer — the cookies on my laptop now think I’m a Pete supporter. I guess they aren’t the sharpest cookies in the shed … or something like that. So strap in, this metaphorical trail is set to surprise. 

Cate Streissguth is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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