Since we’re all too afraid of being made a social pariah, we’re staying home and being bored out of our minds. This is particularly hard for U.Va. students since we are, at heart, those annoying kids who remind the teacher we have homework due and require constant external validation to be able to sleep at night. To ease your suffering, I’ve compiled a list of activities to keep you feeling entertained and productive, despite the danger of a global pandemic looming over our heads. You’re welcome.
1. Apply for internships
2. Receive an email a week later that the company is no longer filling that position due to COVID-19.
3. Delete email. Feel happy that your inbox is so clean and organized.
4. Spend the day pretending you still have hope.
5. Research careers that you can get without any previous job experience.
6. Practice your flexibility so you can join the circus as an acrobat.
7. Binge watch “Cheer” on Netflix.
8. Realize you will never be as flexible as them, slam your laptop shut, and give up on your dream of joining the circus.
9. Connect with Monica Aldama on LinkedIn. Ask her for tips on how to become a successful business woman and cheer coach extraordinaire.
10. Wait a few days for her to respond. She doesn’t. Delete the message.
11. Do an at-home ab workout.
12. Fill an online shopping cart with all of the things you’re going to spend your stimulus check on.
13. Wait, college students are excluded from the stimulus checks?
14. Close tab.
15. Go on Instagram Live.
16. Realize you look like a loser and end your Instagram Live.
17. Read a book.
18. Maybe two.
19. Or three.
20. Add a few new paintings to your gallery.
21. Play guitar.
22. And knit.
23. Open a shop on Etsy to sell your knit scarves and headbands.
24. Realize knitting is harder than you think.
25. Throw the knitting needles across the room in frustration.
26. The knitting needles hit your dog in the side! Oh no!
27. Your dog limps away leaving a trail of blood. Oh God, what have you done?
28. Scream in despair of what your life has become.
29. Pack your things and prepare to run away from home. You could never face your family after what you’ve done.
30. Oh wait, that’s just your red paint from earlier. The dog is fine. False alarm.
31. Ponder the meaning of life.
32. Make a grilled cheese sandwich.
33. Realize the toasty parts kind of look like Jesus. Cool.
34. Download Tinder again.
35. FaceTime your best friend and ask if they’d swipe right on you.
36. Swipe right on everyone you see continuously for three hours.
37. Google ways to make your finger stop cramping.
38. You got three matches. Nice.
39. Realize they’re all holding fish in at least two of their pictures.
40. Delete Tinder. Again.
41. Debate the pros and cons of making a SeekingArrangements account.
42. FaceTime your best friend again and listen as she tells you absolutely not.
43. Learn a TikTok dance.
44. Apply for another internship.
45. Come to terms with the fact that none of this even matters because the economy is too messed up to get a job after graduation anyways.
46. Realize you were never going to get a job in the first place because you majored in psychology.
47. Binge watch “Tiger King” on Netflix.
48. Buy a tiger off Craigslist.
49. Seduce a rich older man.
50. Kill him and feed his body to the tiger.
51. Profit.
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