Social distancing is slowly reminding me that there are SOME people in this world that make me think 6 feet away isn’t far enough. If you were anything like me back in the days when we weren’t all homeschooled, your room was a literal biohazard and you would probably drop dead after studying there for more than two minutes. Or maybe you had a weird roommate, found a pretty girl that goes to Clem at the same time as you or loved that false sense of productivity you get from simply sitting around people getting work done. Whatever the case was, you found yourself fighting for a seat, holding back your stress and reminiscing the good o’l days when you were the smartest kid in your little high school, teachers would give you candy just for answering a question and actually knew your name and you didn’t have to go through three rounds of interviews just to join a club. Whatever the case, don’t fret, because you are NOT alone, dear reader. Whether you like it or not, there is PLENTY of company to be found at these libraries such as —
1. The couple
Honestly the only reason I’m writing this instead of scrolling through TikTok and obsessively reading news about the coronavirus is to call out the disgusting PDA I saw TWICE last month at Clark FROM THE SAME COUPLE. Look, I get it, you guys are in love, but do I REALLY need to see people making out when I’m trying to pretend to study? Now I’m failing my classes AND I feel lonely. Next time, at least have the decency to take it down to stacks. I don’t even want to imagine what they’ll be like next semester after six months of not seeing each other. How about a petition to ban them, huh?
2. The non-studiers
You know the ones. They sit down, take care of their Snapchat streaks, scroll through Instagram, post about how “the #GrindNeverStops”, leave to get Starbucks, basically anything except their actual work. All of this would be fine with me if these people weren’t so FREAKING loud. Look, I’d love to hear your opinion about whatever Khloe Kardashian has been up to this week or how much of a jerk Brad has been to you (just dump him already, bruh), but I have to write a paper on a topic I’m pretending to be super passionate about.
The worst is when these groups go out of their way to book private study rooms. The next time I see somebody having a whole movie night on Clem 2, they will have to face my personal wrath.
3. The guy who’s had way too much caffeine
Red eyes. Shaky hands. Nervous pacing. Weird whispering. Unnaturally skinny. You’d probably think he was a crack addict if it weren’t for all the Red Bull cans sitting around him. Seriously, you’d think somebody who got into U.Va. would be able to manage his time better and take care of his health a little. Well, don’t be so judgy, I’m actually a pretty cool guy. It’s just been a rough semester, OK!
4. The crier
Look, I get it, I’ve wanted to cry over school at LEAST four times. And that’s just this week! But let’s be honest, those tears aren’t gonna help you pass STAT 2120. Trust me, I’ve TRIED. Besides, your pain and sorrow is distracting the rest of us! The best you can do is suck it up, study and then cry AFTER you do poorly.
5. The guy actually getting work done
You guys know the one … except you don’t, because libraries are just one of the many expensive set pieces for the University to show tour groups how well-dressed and studious we are, distract from dining halls that wouldn’t even pass in a prison and student housing that STILL doesn’t have air conditioning, and ultimately convince these kids to beg their parents to shell out over $33,000 a year rather than make them attend one of the several other schools they got into that are much more affordable (it was ranked the the most beautiful campus in the COUNTRY, mom!). Next time you need to actually get work done — or get “work” done (@Clark couple) — just stay home. Plus, we don’t really have a choice now anyway — do we?!
Eshaan Sarup is a Humor Editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at email@example.com.