Height is a touchy subject for many men. Unlike many causes for our insecurity, this one is immutable and completely out of our control. Like men with erectile dysfunction, the short kings among us need to be lifted up. This is not the place for that, however. I am going to be brutally honest here, but self-awareness is a trait far more attractive than height. Here we go, gentlemen — the implications of your stature —
5 feet — This is nothing short of an anatomical disaster. At least you are designed to bench press a lot of weight, but don’t gloat over 315 for reps when your arms are shorter than a loaf of bread.
5 feet, 2 inches — Your peers secretly refer to you as “the manlet.” Yes, the giggles are about you. This is a demoralizing situation to be in, but hey, you can now ride every attraction in an amusement park.
5 feet, 4 inches — Clearly self-conscious about your height, or lack thereof, you frequently reference your personality on the dating front. “But I am really down to earth,” you often say. We know you are — you don’t have to remind us.
5 feet, 6 inches — You actively try to elevate your height by employing some well-known strategies. You opt for a high sole in your footwear and resort to lift inserts for your flat-bottoms. When it comes to pictures, get off your tiptoes and tilt your chin back down.
5 feet, 8 inches — This is 1 inch shy of the average height for a man in the United States, but it is average or even above average for men in many parts of the world. So bolster your ego by studying abroad. I’m willing to bet that your height is inaccurate on your passport, though.
5 feet, 10 inches — You identify as “five-eleven,” but you are not. Take it up with a measuring stick.
6 feet — Congratulations, you are officially in the enviable six club. I bet it feels good not having to lie about it. The true five-eleveners will try to claim you’re one of them. When that argument erupts, you’ll just have to go over their heads.
6 feet, 2 inches — If you have an attractive face, too, you’re basically Mr. Dos Equis. Regardless, the musculoskeletal genetics you carry are admirable. You’ve got one lucky kid swimming around in your balls. Get them involved in sports early.
6 feet, 4 inches — Even if you are plagued by excessive shrinking later in life, you should still die at a commendable height. That’s assuming you don’t live to be 120 or so. A once striking presence, Noah was a miniscule two-foot-four when he died at the age of 950 …
6 feet, 6 inches — At this height, you are very tall, but not so tall that a basketball career was inevitable. Therefore, your shameful “no,” in response to the “Do you or did you play basketball?” question tells us everything we need to know about your athleticism.
6 feet, 8 inches — You’re the asshole people dread seeing in a theater, stadium or other seated venue. And please, if the audience is not situated on a slope, go stand in the back.
6 feet, 10 inches — Now the basketball questions are ineluctable. They are going to come up in just about every social situation, so I hope you at least played Division II to avoid complete humiliation. You better have a really good excuse if you didn’t.
7 feet — A true marvel, you are now taller than 99.9999 percent of humans worldwide and 74 percent of humans in the village of Bibwaclanda.
Michael Lindemann is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at email@example.com.