It’s 11:32 p.m. on a Friday, your researched argumentative essay is due in 27 minutes and you have two sentences written down. You are ready to give up. But then, there it is — with a delightful ping, an email arrives from your professor, extending the due date to this Sunday. With a dawning horror, you realize it isn’t too late to finish your paper. What does that mean? That’s right, now you have the ability to change your destiny and maybe end the class with an acceptable grade. If you’re shuddering with terror at the responsibility to help yourself succeed, here’s a list on how to still not write that paper.
- First of all, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that it’s okay to succeed sometimes, and no matter how horrifying the idea of accomplishing something with your life is, that’s all it is — an idea. It can’t hurt you unless you actually do the arduous task of putting your hands to the keyboard and typing. Sometimes, the only thing that you need to get started is your mindset. If you’re trying to avoid your work, it’s important to pray for your own downfall.
- Now that you no longer have a goal-oriented mindset, you are already well on your way to paving your path to failure. Next, make sure to come up with as many other activities as possible to prevent yourself from even getting close to completing that essay. For example, you could work on that assignment due in three weeks, volunteer at the hospital or go to your upperclassman friend’s kickback and then get wasted. If you are busy, you won’t be able to think about your paper. And if you can’t think about your paper, you can’t write that paper.
- Make sure not to organize anything. You better not know where to find the rubric for that paper or where to submit that paper. In fact, if you disconnect from the Wi-Fi and don’t know how to reconnect, that would aid you greatly in failing to write your paper. If you want to take it one step further, you could even throw your laptop in a nearby river. Some may find this expensive, but anything is worth the reward of failing to write that paper.
- Unenroll from your university. If you stop going to school and don’t have a professor, you have no one to turn your paper in to. If you aren’t enrolled in school, you don’t have to worry about your GPA or learning anything since you aren’t actually taking any classes. That way, you will never write that paper. Ever.
- In fact, change your identity and move to a new country if you still are thinking sinful thoughts about writing that paper. Make sure to change your name, your date of birth, your location of birth, your school records and get plastic surgery to change your appearance. Fake your death and be sure to cut off all contact with everyone who ever knew you — your friends, your family, your professors, your dog. If you’re feeling adventurous, maybe even get into an accident-induced coma that leads to permanent amnesia. That way you will never write that paper, 100 percent money back guaranteed.
So the next time you see that extension email from your professor, remember all the options
available to you to not write that paper. Or, you know, if you really want to, you could open a
Google Doc and start typing. Either way, the choice is yours.
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