The Cavalier Daily
Serving the University Community Since 1890

BREAKING — U.Va First School In The Sky

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s the Rotunda!

Recently, the University has come out with shocking news that is leaving students either amazed or confused. A University representative has announced that the University will be taking to the skies in what has now been dubbed “Project Higher Education.” 

The representative has revealed that the construction around Grounds was actually a cover-up for the installation of anti-gravitational devices which, when turned on, will suspend all buildings at least 20 feet above the ground. The University has also created designated air walkways so that students can get from one levitating building to another without having to return to the ground. The massive staircase in front of the Rotunda has also been expanded and is now the only thing connecting the University to the Corner.

To accommodate these changes, the University has turned all of its electric scooters and bikes into hover vehicles so that students can zoom to class without having to use the designated levitating walkways. Unfortunately, however, the University liquidated UTS’s assets to pay for these modifications and is no longer able to even buy regular buses, let alone hover buses. Despite this obstacle, UTS has rebranded and now stands for “Up The Stairs” – of the Rotunda, that is.

Along with the physical changes made to the University, students will also be experiencing some cultural changes. Representatives say that it is with great sadness that they will be replacing mascot Cavman with Avatar Aang from “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” 

University President Jim Ryan has allegedly stated that a levitating University reminds him of the Air Temple and that since Cavman is a man of the ground, it only makes sense for a man of the skies to represent the school. Terminology will also be changing since the University no longer touches the ground. Therefore, the term “Grounds” will be replaced by the term “Skys.”

Though U.Va representatives have stated that “the sky is the limit and we have reached it,” some students seem to have been pushed to their limit. Many students are perplexed and have been tweeting at the University relentlessly. 

User DreamsFaceReveal:( tweeted “Could they not have just used this money to pay Croads workers better wages smh?” 

Similarly, under the University’s announcement post, Twitter user SwiftieXOX commented “Great, and here I was thinking I would only have to worry about falling into debt. Im going to Threads.” User FlatEarth replied, “Always thought of dropping from university, not like this tho lol.” There also seemed to be students with great concerns. I<3Mr.Johnson wondered via tweet “So the plumbing works HOW?” while ILikeToMoveIt questioned “And this is wheelchair accessible?”

Despite the backlash, University representatives are claiming that this was an absolutely necessary measure and one that would benefit students the most. 

The University Twitter page fired back at opposing tweets claiming that this was a measure taken to “counteract the hilly nature of U.Va. Grounds,” “eliminate jaywalking problems” and to put U.Va “on top.”

While the University seems to stick by its decision to make the University into a levitating university, there has been little talk about what happened to the buildings that were actually under construction during the implantation of the anti-gravitational devices. The Cavalier Daily reached out to University representatives to ask if all these new modifications meant that Alderman Library was no longer under construction but they refused to comment.

While it is uncertain how students will adjust to this drastic change to “Skys,” University administration seems to be certain that U.Va. is “Reaching new heights.” The University may end up being just the same as it was before or better than “Sky High,” but all we know is that there is nowhere to go but up.