Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column
Judging by the fact that you actually clicked on this article, you, my friend, are single and struggling. Struggling to make sense of some weird tension you experienced with a stranger, that is. Maybe you made eye contact with that cute person who sits across the room from you in organic chemistry last week and now you are wondering if the two of you actually have chemistry. Maybe you brushed hands with a cute stranger in an amazing outfit while grabbing salad in Newcomb Dining Hall, and now you are wondering if salad was the only thing on their mind. Since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, it is crucial that we find your soulmate as soon as possible. After all, how are you supposed to show all of your two Instagram followers that you are perfect and amazing if you don’t soft launch your relationship with someone unidentifiable on the day of love? There is absolutely no time to waste.
However…
This is not actually about your potential lover, this is about you. Anyone can be your soulmate if you are delusional enough. The real key to finding a soulmate lies in your heart and your heart only. How are you going to love your soulmate if you are not even open to a stable relationship? To figure out if you are actually ready to embrace your potential soulmate with open arms, you simply have to answer one question –
U up?
- Yes <3
- No >:(
- Read 2:47 AM
Answer Choice #1
If you answered #1, heart-shaped chocolate and a mid-tier dinner at an overcrowded, overpriced and overly pink restaurant are in your future. By acknowledging that you are in fact up, you acknowledge that you know what it means to be in a relationship and are fully ready to commit. There is literally no doubt about it — if you think they are your soulmate, then they are your soulmate. I simply do not know how you did not see this before. It does not matter if they have never actually spoken to you 一 they looked in your direction last week. They saw your eyeballs. You saw their eyeballs. They are madly in love with you. Now, all you need to do is get them to realize that they are your soulmate. Considering you told me that you are up with absolutely no hesitation, you are clearly a master at love, so I do not have to tell you how to do this. Good luck my little cupid, go get your boo thing.
Answer Choice #2
If you answered #2, you are never going to find love. Not only are you a menace, but you are a liar. I know you are up, you know you are up, I simply cannot believe this betrayal. Let us remember where we are right now. We are in Thomas Jefferson’s Academical Village, a place that prides itself on its honor code. That answer was not very honor-code-compliant. Aside from your betrayal of the community of trust, you are clearly relationship adverse. And, you know what, I can respect it. You do not need a partner, much less a poorly made stuffed animal with a plush heart haphazardly sewn to its arms. You just need to spend some time with a lie detector.
Answer Choice #3
You have commitment issues. You read my very valid question and you chose to ignore me 一 ouch. That was an arrow through my heart. Do not worry, I am not mad at you. Running away is the easy option, the safe option. Maybe your fear of commitment started on the playground in second grade when you asked the nice girl with the cute bow in her hair to be your best friend, and,the next day, you caught her making BFF bracelets with another girl. Maybe you decided to always play it safe when you were the only one in middle school who did not end up in the nurse’s office with a rash after refusing to touch poison ivy with your friends. Whatever your reasons, I get it. You might just want to consider getting a therapist before someone gives you a Valentine’s Day gram composed of a flimsy note and a thorny rose.
And that is it. Now you have either realized that this Valentine’s Day is about to be a killer Instagram post or a dull day of dodging deceptively darling couples. I am so sorry I had to expose you to get you here, but sometimes we just need someone to stage an intervention for us to see the truth. Hopefully I did not worsen your very clearly unresolved trust issues. See you in the candy aisle of Harris Teeter on Feb. 15! I will be the one hoarding all the cheap candy and wondering why someone did not buy it for me when it was full priced. You know — you could always be my valentine — just kidding — unless …
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