As the spring semester ramps up and our March days become 70 degrees, we are reminded of the looming terror that is the future. After a close examination of LinkedIn — and a mental breakdown from comparing yourself to recent Harvard graduates — it can feel like everyone is succeeding but you.
But, if you look closely, you will realize the titles of a lot of these positions repeat the same words over and over again. Associate, analyst, manager or consultant are crowd favorites. Sure, the order changes up every now and then, but they are mostly the same.
These LinkedIn Job announcements are always superbly suspicious and vastly vague, and no one dares to ask whether a Managing Coordinator is the same as a Coordinating Manager. But for those who know the inside lingo, the distinction is clear — the Coordinating Manager is a manager who coordinates, while the Managing Coordinator might be a coordinator who manages.
When these are the sort of things which demarcate differences, one must ponder if these jobs are even real. This is a helpful line of questioning, because our society has long blindly accepted these corporate positions as Bible. The desperation for a job is the most severe kind of desperation — even worse than trying to “happy birthday” your way into your ex’s life again. I mean, do you really need to assume a fake-sounding position for validation? Sure, it is a good experience, and you will be paid, but you really are just admitting to being a sellout.
Perhaps I lack the corporate knowledge to understand these complicated positions. Perhaps my brain is just not on the level of my brilliant peers but, for my sanity and yours, let’s operate with the assumption that these jobs are, in fact, fake. Let’s invalidate consultants and unseat them from their high horses. Let us invalidate every engineer who has asked me what I could possibly do with my Media Studies major — if the use isn’t already clear, all I can say is maybe your education is not working as well as it might. Allow me to try to convince you, dear readers, of the illegitimacy of positions so long praised by ambitious University students.
Challenge level — impossible.
To further convince you, here is a list of the fakest jobs seen on LinkedIn this week.
Position #1 — Incoming Business Affairs Analyst at Jane Street
Ah, business affairs analysts. They always are so skilled in … I have no idea. As far as I know, business affairs analysts are matchmakers for businesses. After all, a business affair is when one business flirts with another business without telling their spouse business, which I’m sure is a pertinent issue in today’s corporate world. According to last year’s numbers, Corporation and Co. seem to have trouble cheating. This is why everyone you know is an incoming affairs analyst.
Position #2 — Managing and Logistics Associate Role at HR HR Industries
Sure, I might be dumb. But am I supposed to know what a managing and logistics associate actually does? What are they managing? Logistically associating with whom? I’m just getting crumbs here. Taken extremely literally, it seems like this position is the human resources role at human resources human resources industries. A position that when said aloud sounds ridiculous, but when put on a resume, warrants a “Congratulations! What an Achievement!” comment.
Position #3 — Developmental Practices and Innovations Intern at McKinsey
Developmental practices sound like something my soccer coach instituted after I repeatedly kicked a ball off the field into a pond and stopped the game. What could it possibly be in the context of the workforce? It might be some fancy euphemism for consulting, or some other engineering innovation. Maybe “developmental practices” is what the corporate kids are calling imperialism these days. You know those corporations, always finding a way to glorify a really horrific thing! And knowing McKinsey, I’m sure these “innovations” involve paychecks and free trips to Cabo which completely confirms my theory about the invalidity of these positions.
Position #4 — Big Time Boss Man at MoneyBags and Co.
This is where I draw the line. I mean sure, the big time boss man field is booming right now, but this job has got to be fake. However, if the recruiter is asking, I am available all day every day this summer and would be an invaluable member of MoneyBags and Co.
And if you’re wondering, no, I do not have an internship or a job lined up for my future. No matter the jargon, I hope your life goes swimmingly and is filled with position descriptions in addition to titles. Remember, unemployed brothers and sisters, comparison to fake jobs is the thief of joy!
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