Love is not without its obstacles, what-ifs and apprehensions. Despite this near-fact, it seems that for the vast majority of lovers, undoubtedly myself, certainty is what we crave. Therefore, a long-distance relationship — in which the hurdle of communication and staying connected doubles in size — was something that I wanted to shy away from for as long as possible.
Yet, when summer arrived, with it came three months of being separated from the person who is typically my partner in crime, my sidekick. Through this distance, however, I’ve grown to acquaint myself with the feeling of uncertainty and have begun to see these feelings of longing as a gift.
I have never been one to accept discomfort with ease. I desire familiarity in all aspects of my life — I enjoy being disciplined, having a schedule and knowing what is next to come. This is especially evident in how I approach relationships. With my partner during the semester, I’d grown accustomed to having a weekly routine, knowing each others’ classes, scheduling date nights on the weekends and finding comfort in the fact that, no matter what, our apartments were just a four-minute walk apart.
Today, I stand nearly 1,000 miles away from my person, nearly a six-hour plane ride away. And while Plain White T’s was easily able to croon, “I'd walk to you if I had no other way,” it turns out that real life makes such a prospect much more difficult. Modern love seems to abound with technology built to bridge the miles that separate lovers, but despite it all — nightly FaceTimes, keeping our Snapchat streak alive and scheduled watch parties of our favorite show — I can’t help but crave physical closeness.
With him being a year older, the daunting questions surrounding our prospective life together post-graduation have been weighing heavily and inching closer to the present. I can feel myself almost itching to distance myself emotionally in a self-destructive attempt to push away the anxiety that comes with not knowing. Perhaps if I prepare myself for it to end, then it might hurt less when we’re apart.
I am aware that this is selfish of me. And that’s no excuse. In fact, my partner has been a rock of confidence, believing that everything will always work out one way or another. Despite this, I have found it difficult to shake the fear of facing challenges head on. I am constantly fighting the urge to bombard him with questions of what we’ll do next year, the year after and the year after that.
But in the long run, I cannot run away. In fact, by going through the never-ending tribulations of life and love, I’ve realized that no matter how much you try to escape, uncertainties will always linger, and such is the bittersweet fact of life. Anxieties and fears can and will continue to accompany each endeavor of mine, and so I have come to accept the fact that consistency will not always be available.
Instead, I have chosen, consciously, to welcome the frightening unknowns with an open heart and to love with intention. I would rather pour my heart out and try with every ounce of my being than to forever wonder “what if” because I feared uncomfortable situations and conversations. In doing so, I’ve realized that this trying, this push to have difficult discussions about the future and navigate apprehensions has been much more rewarding than allowing myself to revert to stagnancy.
As nearly all facets of life prove, there is no one answer to my questions, or to yours. The future is, unfortunately, unpredictable. But I believe that there exists beauty in longing, yearning and missing someone. The concept of having people that you hold close to you, that you fear to let go, is a treasure.
Being one half of a long-distance relationship is difficult — it’s never easy to be so far apart from someone near and dear to you. But in spite of this all, from this summer on, I choose to view these worries as a blessing in disguise, a sign of how lucky I am to experience and receive such love. And, as Plain White T’s wisely said, “They’ve got planes and trains and cars.”
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