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(01/30/20 2:46am)
U.Va., my beautiful red-bricked burden, we have to talk. It’s about Tina Fey. I love her, you love her, but we gotta stop asking her for stuff. I know it is literally someone's job to wrangle celebrity alumni and politely force them to inspire the next generation of students, but please leave Tina Fey alone. I get that it’s hard to resist, after all, she has all the elements of a desirable University alumna.
(06/13/19 10:49pm)
“Are you the only one of your friends who didn’t get a lawn room?” my mother asks, only kind of kidding as I rattle off the names of people I know who will be walking outside to pee next year. Well, no. But isn’t that what it feels like? The University is good at three things — peer pressure, problematic legacies and basketball. I’m sure I’ve missed a couple in there but those are the main three. I constantly find myself grappling with the feeling that I am not excellent, dazzling, brilliant or extraordinary, but rather that I am simply excellence adjacent. I get to say, “Oh I know her!” or “Yeah, he’s in my class,” and that glimmer of pride via association turns sour before the moment even ends because someone else did that, not me.
(12/06/18 2:14am)
As a newly minted member of the University Guide Service, I have a certain responsibility to tell prospective students the truth. The first truth is that most University students gagged on that pretentious first sentence, balking at the thought of another preachy humor article that blurs the line between an intricately-detailed cry for help and a capitalization on whatever rockin’ slang teens use these days. Anyway, as trumpeters of the world’s okayest sweatshirt, Guides are taught to be honest, to give students the unfiltered truth of the University experience. We have the right to speak freely without worry of censorship from the administration. They’d have to pay us to do that. So, I’m going to get real with you by telling you things you already know. Because isn’t that what art is? Just replicating common human experience through various creative media? Are you gagging yet?
(08/29/18 4:37am)
Now, I’m not normally one to do this. I know that everyone who is about to say anything mildly controversial normally says that but I’m, like, for real. I consider U.Va. to be a school of academic prowess with a strong emphasis on research (come at me brochure-writers of the world). So now, to the U.Va. populace, I now present my in-depth, on-site findings of the most odious nature. I risked life, limb and my own attention span for this data, traveling overseas and somehow still encountering the bland species of my homeland I had desperately been trying to escape. In a different time, I could have written about silly summer escapades or 10 trendy tips to avoid existential despair, but I chose to write about this. Because it needed addressing. So enjoy, get fussy, or just don’t worry about it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the Stale Man.
(05/01/18 4:19am)
Have you ever caught yourself in a U.Va. humblebrag? Putting on a show for the sake of the masses? Like recounting your wild Thursday night to someone who stayed in or positioning yourself artfully in the window of Corner Juice. Don't worry! Everyone can see you sipping sipping that $10 smoothie like elite member of the Charlottesville Bourgeoisie you know you are. It’s a façade everyone can see through but you continue to try to charm the disinterested. And then the thought occurs to you, “Crap, I’m the only loser at this university.” And I’ll let you in on a little secret — you are.
(03/13/18 5:16am)
They always tell you that college is going to be different. That your success is up to you and you alone. They’re not going to baby you like they did in high school. Connor, a fresh-faced first-year, thought they were kidding. Until he saw something that shocked and terrified him. There it was. A girl’s shoulder out in the wide open. Right in the middle of his econ class? Connor looked around frantically, could the others see it too? No one appeared to be looking at it… maybe it was just his eyes playing tricks on him. But then the girl turned to grab her notebook and holy shit there was another one! Two exposed shoulders. Connor started to sweat through his Patagonia. He couldn’t learn like this. How could he think about diffraction when a deadly combination of epidermis and clavicle was sitting only two rows in front of him?