Have you ever caught yourself in a U.Va. humblebrag? Putting on a show for the sake of the masses? Like recounting your wild Thursday night to someone who stayed in or positioning yourself artfully in the window of Corner Juice. Don't worry! Everyone can see you sipping sipping that $10 smoothie like elite member of the Charlottesville Bourgeoisie you know you are. It’s a façade everyone can see through but you continue to try to charm the disinterested. And then the thought occurs to you, “Crap, I’m the only loser at this university.” And I’ll let you in on a little secret — you are.
Need to confirm this? All you have to do is look around. Even the usual easy bait has now become forbidden fruit that refuses to give you the juicy validation you crave. That frat boy you just saw ride a scooter down three staircases and possibly rupture his spleen? He aced y’all’s Calculus test the next day AND made it onto Barstool. That girl you just saw running for the bus? She’s literally just jogging, you’re the only one who runs for the bus, you idiot. And when’s the last time you jogged? But you know who does jog? Every other person at this university. They even do that little jog in place when they waiting for the light because they don’t want to lose their momentum. THEIR MOMENTUM, you pooh-bellied buffoon. You just lower your eyes and pray Sahal at Chick-fil-a doesn’t recognize your dumbass coming to the Pav for the fourth time this week.
Face it, every student around you is completely flawless. And you, foolish nincompoop, are the only dud on this entire campus. That’s right! You say campus, like a joke. I honestly shouldn’t even be writing about you, I bet you trip up the steps by Garrett Hall in front of the food trucks and all of their devout followers. Not because the steps are definitely uneven but because you’re a disgrace. Even the Pie Guy doesn’t want to talk to you. And that’s just sad.
Don’t take it too personally, you can’t help but be the way you are. I’m just sorry you’re surrounded by superhumans who rock Jesus sandals and Alternative Spring Break sweatshirts like it’s their goddam job. They are public servants, and what are you? Some dweeb who got roped into venmoing Madison house because your phone was literally in your hand and apparently “Poverty: college versiontm” is no longer an acceptable excuse. I wish I could help you, but you can’t even help yourself. You stand at Thornton Hall at 2 p.m. like it’s not a night stop, and no one has the heart to tell you to shove off to Gilmer. I mean, heck, you probably go to Clem 2 expecting to get actual work done! Does your delusion know no bounds? Not even U-Guides could direct your ass in the right direction, and they know how to build rapport with tourists. What I’m trying to say is that you’re the only one who has problems here. No one else could be insecure or flawed at this hallowed temple of knowledge? Right? ... Right?
I mean … It’s definitely not deeply ingrained into University society. It’s not like from the order of columns in the Academical Village to the terraced roofs of the Fratlands, everything at UVA exists on hierarchical scale to make you feel small and insignificant. Like a wave meant for someone else or a shirt that isn’t Comfort Colors. It’s not like we have been bred at this university to compete with one another and accept nothing short of first place. It’s not like this toxic mentality has led you to exacerbate your problems in your head and idealize other students based on their resumes, which they’re hiding behind as much as you are? It’s not like every student is secretly fighting these intrusive feelings of worthlessness based on impossible standards enforced by the faculty and the students themselves? No, that would be crazy.
So let me confirm your suspicions you human equivalent of a cough drop. You can try to be like all the pretty candy here, all wrapped in your bow, but never forget that deep down, you’re just medicine. So don’t reach out, don’t attempt to commiserate. Keep those feelings of inadequacy shoved down inside your miserable, squishy soul. Because otherwise you might see other people’s failures and doubts, the people behind the resumes. Because you might find the honest truth of the matter is that none of us are quite okay and nowhere close to perfect. Because otherwise you might find out you’re not the only loser at U.Va. and that everyone’s got a little bit of loser inside them too.
Emily Sumlin is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.