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(05/17/02 4:00am)
On May 19th, many of us triumphantly will walk down the center of the Lawn to receive our diplomas after what has seemed like at least 17 years at this University.
However, we will not truly have completed all the tests meant to see if we are worthy of graduation from this prestigious college, and by "prestigious" I of course mean "precipitous," and by "precipitous" I clearly don't know what I mean (I didn't learn that much while I've been here).
The final test is to see if we are able to sit through two hours of boring speeches at the graduation ceremony.
(04/22/02 4:00am)
It is with great pleasure that I present to you Lee Camp's Final Humor Column. I sincerely urge you to hold on to it because it clearly will be worth a great deal in the future - in a couple years I plan on kidnapping various neighborhood pets and forcing them to join me in a national crime spree, and just imagine how impressed your grandchildren will be when you say, "I actually have a copy of Crazy Lee Camp's final humor column."
You may not realize it, but because I said "I urge you" in the last paragraph, random large, effeminate men are currently trying to wash my hair with Herbal Essences Shampoo.
(04/08/02 4:00am)
T his is the second to last humor column of my college career. Tragically, that means I only have two columns left to speak to my vast array of die-hard fans (meaning they're fans of the movie "Die Hard," not of me). Painfully, it also means I have but two columns left for which The Declaration can make fun of me.
(03/04/02 5:00am)
I f you read my column about a month ago, you would know that I took a trip to New York City over winter break.
(02/18/02 5:00am)
At the beginning of this year, I realized I didn't have enough chaos in my life, so I decided to become a big brother through Madison House. I went through a strict screening and interview process to make sure I was fit for the job.
Interviewer: Are you willing to be a brother?
Me: Yes.
Interviewer: Are you big?
Me: Yes.
Soon I was assigned an adorable 8-year-old named Ricky. I wondered what kind of screening process he went through.
Interviewer: Are you willing to look after and be fully responsible for a 21-year-old college student?
Ricky: Yes.
Interviewer: You do understand he can be quite immature and hyperactive at times?
Ricky: I understand. Just as long as he has 10 fingers and 10 toes, I'm sure I'll love him.
Interviewer: He has seven toes.
Ricky: Close enough.
Becoming a big brother was great until one day when my real, 18-year-old younger brother came to visit and noticed a picture of Ricky on my desk.
He interrogated me for several hours until I eventually cracked and told him I was seeing other little brothers. He stormed out swearing we would never play Power Rangers again.
Having a Madison House little brother was one of the most fun, fulfilling, exciting, carefree, rewarding experiences of my life . . . until I found out about the dog doo. It turns out there's a little known law of physics that small children playing any type of game outdoors will inevitably end up in some sort of dog doo.
If you think about it, it makes sense. Where do children go to play? The park. Where do dogs go to "do their business?" The park. I'd like to meet the moron who decided these should be the two main functions of a park. "Yep, we'll have huge grassy areas for children of all ages to run around carelessly - and we can also use them as doggy bathrooms. It's just natural that dog poop and kids running around go hand-in-hand."
Children will find ways to step in dog doo no matter what.
Ricky and I will be halfway through a game of bowling, and he'll suddenly say, "Lee, I think I stepped in something." I'm like, "Where the heck did you get that?" I have a sneaking suspicion it's just a permanent fixture on his shoes.
So far Ricky, his friends and I have had approximately 32 dog doo related incidents, only two of which were intentional. We're trying to break the record of 67 set in 1972. With any luck we'll make the SportsCenter highlight reel.
Sometimes Ricky invites his friends along. His friends consist of a 13-year-old named Quentin, a nine-year-old named Erin, a 5-year-old named Cody and a 43-year-old who calls himself Jimmy the Platypus.
Jimmy's a little strange, and we usually let him just play by himself. The rest of us usually play football.
Playing football with a wide variety of young children is not like playing football in the traditional sense. Sure, it involves a football and a lot of running and screaming, but nowhere in traditional football does a third grader run 63 yards with a 5-year-old on his back attempting to gouge out his eyes. Well, maybe in Canadian football; I never have grasped the rules to that.
After awhile the game disintegratesinto a new game tentatively called "Run Around Like Rabid Squirrels in Heat until You Careen into Somebody at Full Speed."
Something else I've learned by being in the Big Brother program is that spitballs, in fact, can be a sport. The way it works is that whichever kid who finds a straw starts the game off by nailing his friend in the back of the head with a nasty gob of paper. The friend then retaliates by yelling "Hey!" and chasing the spitter. Soon the spitter reloads and fires another nasty ball of paper into the face of his friend, although the designation "friend" now is arguable. This process repeats until the players run out of paper, straws, spit or until someone starts crying.
If you choose to become a big brother or sister, you will find yourself ordering a lot of pizza because evidently children between the ages of five and nine can consume more food than a Norwegian strong man during bulk-up season. Gumby's has created a new pizza especially for Ricky and his friends named "The Booger" (Cody picked the name), and it's so big it's manual transmission.
One other thing I've learned about Ricky is that he's a big fan of dinosaurs and he knows more about them than most Paleontologists, at least the Paleontologists that haven't seen "Jurassic Park II."
I happen to own that movie, and Ricky enjoys watching it on a 24-hour repeating cycle.
In order to maintain my sanity, I may soon have to turn "The Lost World" into "The Lost Video Tape."
Anyway, you should sign up to be a big sibling the next chance you get because it's fun, meaningful and I can now hit someone in the eye with a spitball at a length of 40 feet.
(02/04/02 5:00am)
About a month ago I started getting that itch that college students get over winter break. You know, the one that starts bugging you while you're sitting on a couch that you haven't moved from in so long your skin has begun to graft itself to the leather.
(01/21/02 5:00am)
N othing ruins a good day in which you are loving life, minding your own business, and driving at speeds nearing 85 mph like a speeding ticket.
(12/05/01 5:00am)
The holidays are approaching at a moderate pace, and for most of you, that means getting ready for either Christmas or Hanukah.
(11/19/01 5:00am)
F or this week, I had planned to do an extensive survey to find out how many students have received parking tickets while attending the University.
(11/05/01 5:00am)
When I saw all the cute little toddlers in crazy costumes marching from door to door and stuffing their mouths with candy, I have to say I was a little frightened because it was two days after Halloween.
(10/22/01 4:00am)
If you were to think of two activities that would never be included in the same column, what would they be?
(10/08/01 4:00am)
A re you having a little trouble finding that special someone? Are you con- vinced that women are from Mars and men are obnoxious?
(09/24/01 4:00am)
Here it is, almost two weeks since the horrible events of Sept. 11, and it is my job to make the University laugh again.
(09/10/01 4:00am)
L ast weekend I was sitting in my room attempting to throw a hand saw in the air and catch it without amputating more than two of my fingers, when my friend, neighbor and local third-grade student teacher, Kate, proposed an alternative activity (mainly because it was her hand saw, and she didn't want blood on it). "Let's go to the Albemarle County Fair," she said in a tone of voice with far more excitement than the idea warranted.
(09/03/01 4:00am)
There comes a point about every three months in a guy's life when he's sitting peacefully on a couch somewhere, and an intrusive thought jumps into his head for better or for worse.
(08/27/01 4:00am)
Over the summer I lived with someone who became increasingly important to me. She began to rule my life, but I didn't mind because I'm in love with her.
(08/02/01 4:00am)
Seeing as it is summer time, I have received many letters from worried readers asking questions like, "Why haven't I seen anything about swimming pools?" and "I want to read more about swimming pools." Well, since I'm a man of the people, I will write a column about swimming pools in order to satisfy the desires of these readers who do not exist.
The house I grew up in actually did have a swimming pool.
(07/12/01 4:00am)
When considering which field you would like to pursue as a career, you must consider the facts. The job most likely to allow you to earn a great deal of money while still allowing you to look at hundreds of unattractive naked people is that of a physician.
(04/23/01 4:00am)
With summer almost here, I'm sure many of you are looking for jobs. Because all the normal, steady jobs are taken already (I don't think there's an available mime or pimp position anywhere near Charlottesville), you may need to branch out to other possibilities.
(04/02/01 4:00am)
If you enjoy wind blowing through your hair experiencing brief moments of peaceful relaxation, harnessing Mother Nature's energy and fearing for your life, then sailing is the activity for you.
Don't get me wrong; sailing for long periods of time can be exhilarating - that is, if you're watching it on television or perhaps listening to someone talk about it.
Seven years ago, my father decided to take the sport seriously and picked out a brand new catamaran to serve as our home away from safety.
