If you were to think of two activities that would never be included in the same column, what would they be? Croquet and bathing in mushroom soup, right? Well, I didn't write about that, but because we just had that discussion, it will seem a lot less weird that I wrote about folk dancing and apple picking.
Recently, a friend requested that I go to a folk dancing class with her as a favor. As you probably know, there are favors, and then there are favors. Dancing like some sort of elf on pixie dust for an hour is near the top of the favor list. Unless my friend gives me a ride to California when she's on her way to Florida, I will never call it even.
For those of you who haven't experienced folk dancing, here's a quick way to discover what it feels like: Stand up wherever you are (it works especially well if you're in a classroom.) Then,begin skipping in a circular motion while swinging your arms rhythmically. When it feels like you're going at a steady pace, bang your head against a wall as hard as you can. You have now experienced the same amount of fun as folk dancing. Of course, that is just my opinion - I wouldprefer that the Society of Nuts Involved with Folk Dancing United with National Groups (SNIFDUNG) not dance down my front door in anger.
I know how supporters of folk dancing would respond. They would say everyone should experience the dancing of our ancestors. However, our ancestors also dug holes to go to the bathroom, but we're not in any rush to bring that practiceback. Listen, if you're gonna be old-timey, go all the way.
My problem is that whoever invented folk dancing enjoyed skipping and holding hands with the same sex. I won't make any assumptions, but those two activities are a prominent part of folk dancing.
The interesting thing about folk dancing is that, at least during my experience, I could tell the entire group of people was thinking, "Wow, this could not be less fun even if it involved inhaling fiberglass." And yet we all continued to go around in circles voluntarily. Obviously the basis of folk dancing is that if you spin around long enough, you get so dizzy that you no longer realize how little you want to folk dance. If the room is spinning fast enough, pretty much anything seems like the right thing to do.
Announcer: "Now spin your partner upside down, and kick 'em in the head. Yes, kick 'em in the head. And kick. And kick."
Dancer: "Sounds okay to me. And kick, and kick."
The other activity I suffered through recently was apple picking. Before I talk about this touchy subject, I do realize that apple picking already was discussed in a recent Life article. So, many of you may be saying, "Don't you have anything better to talk about?" Well, dear reader, what you have so naively overlooked is the fact that I don't have anything better to talk about. If you have more interesting topics for me to discuss, please e-mail them to me. (And for the last time, "naked people" is not an acceptable topic.)
If you ever go apple picking, you quickly will learn that the best apples are always just out of reach, and all the apples within easy grasp seem to sport the ever-popular gross brown holes. You and your friends will then find new and exciting ways to contort your body and lunge for the apples at the top of the trees. Rarely will you ever obtain the apple you seek. Instead, you will miss it narrowly, fall down a hill into a bright, shining bush of poison ivy, and then all the apples you didn't want will rain down on your head along with whatever currently is living inside them.
While apple picking, it is important to remember that although there are countless beautiful red apples on the trees, there are also several tons of brown, squished, rotten apples on the ground. These piles of brown goop don't cause much trouble except for the fact that they happen to be quite slippery.
At one point one of my friends reached for an apple, slipped on a pile of apple ooze (technical terminology), and ended up in a position which caused pain that was certainly felt the next morning. The international panel of judges standing nearby awarded her a 9.6.
I'm sure many of you are thinking that it would be easier to go to the grocery store to get your apples, but I guarantee you that the grocery store doesn't have nearly the selection, quality, or quantity of poison ivythat the apple orchard has. So which one sounds like more fun?
There also is a little apple store at the apple orchard that sells a variety of apple products, including apple butter, apple cider, apple pie, apple donuts, wooden apples and bumper stickers that read "If I say 'Apple' One More Time, I'm Gonna' Rip out My Damn Tongue with an Apple Cutter. ... That's it!"
So, if you're going folk dancing, leave your dignity, sanity and self-respect in a small jar in your apartment. And if you're going apple picking, don't forget to wear cleats.
Damn, this column is still three words too short - apple, apple, apple.
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