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Why men are from Mars and women are from Venus

A re you having a little trouble finding that special someone? Are you con- vinced that women are from Mars and men are obnoxious? Are you tired of columns that start with questions? Well, I thought I would organize some helpful tips about men and women, which I've learned from personal experience, into an easy-to-use guide. Enjoy, but don't try this at home. (Note: The editor cannot confirm that Lee Camp has any knowledge about this topic.)

No. 1: Guys, when thinking of dating a girl, factor in bath and body shops.

I don't want to be dragged into one more bath and body shop. I'm sorry, ladies. I don't think any guy can tell the difference between a single one of those pastel-colored bottles. They all smell the same to us. You women moisturize, condition and lubricate yourselves all you want, but just leave us out of it.

I wish they would put something in these stores that men would find interesting, something for men to do while the women are shopping. I want to see a bath and auto body shop. Then there's something for everybody.

No. 2: Don't forget to compliment your girlfriend on how she smells.

Women spend a lot of time worrying about how they smell because they want compliments from guys. However, we're idiots; we can't tell the difference. So you'll actually overhear women complimenting each other.

"Wow, Diane, you smell so sweet."

"Oh, thanks, Sandra."

That's one thing you will never see guys doing.

"How ya doing, Frank? Good to see - Is that Herbal Essences I smell? Frank, you dog, you. You smell like an open field of daisies on a warm summer day!"

If anything, guys talk about how badly other guys smell.

Dan: "So, are we gonna watch some football or - Good God, Bill! Did you wash your hair with goat dung?"

Bill: "Thanks for noticing, but actually it's 2000 Flushes."

No. 3: Men and women will never agree on love.

The truth is, guys and girls view love differently. I think women believe love is something very special reserved for the perfect man. A guy is capable of feeling love toward the right woman, but he also has no problem feeling that bond toward, say, a meat lover's pizza. That's where they got the name for the pizza - true love is there.

Love is just a strange term to figure out. "I love you" these days doesn't mean anything incredible. We say it to friends and family without thinking twice. However, when you say "I'm in love with you," it's a big deal. Apparently sharing the bond of love with someone else is not as big a deal as actually being in love with someone. So it's sort of like Jell-O. If you share Jell-O with someone, it's no big deal. But if you're in Jell-O with someone, it's pretty serious. I've never been in Jell-O with just a friend.

No. 4: Ladies, don't ask us which color dress looks better.

I think the world must look completely different for women. Women can recognize thousands more colors than guys can. Guys have about eight colors we can differentiate between. Girls have lavender and turquoise and sky blue and mango and coral and mother of pearl. Guys, are you listening to me? They have something called "mother of pearl!" We don't have that. It's like that damn couch you see in women's restrooms if they leave the door open. We don't have a couch. They get all the cool stuff.

No. 5: Men aren't stupid; we're just busy thinking about something else.

I believe the reason men have so much trouble figuring women out is because we just don't spend that much time thinking about it, while women occupy at least a third of their lives with discussions about relationships. The brutal truth is that guys aren't pondering relationships because we're too busy thinking about "Star Wars." That's it. I know it's sad, but it's true. "Star Wars" is all that's inside our heads. Well, occasionally our minds will wander over to "Back to the Future," but that's it.

This is why we call it "getting lucky" when we hook up with a girl. We know we didn't do anything to deserve it; we weren't even thinking about how to make it work. We were sitting there thinking about "Star Wars" and we just got lucky.

No. 6: Never underestimate idiotic guy thinking.

Guys have some other idiotic thoughts, especially when it comes to hot celebrities. Whenever a hot female sex symbol gets married, guys all over the world say to themselves, "Awww, man! Why would she marry that loser?" We act as if this celebrity was having second thoughts before the wedding. We seem to think Jennifer Anniston was sitting in the dressing room saying, "I don't know if I should go through with this. Sure Brad's a nice guy, but what if there's a 26-year-old stalker out there who's my true soul mate."

No. 7: The priorities of the male gender are slightly out of whack. Just accept it.

I read an article a while back that said several men had taken Viagra and then died during sex. I'm sure these guys were told there was a risk of heart attack, but it didn't even slow them down. This demonstrates the essence of male thinking. We would rather die than not have sex. As the great patriot Patrick Henry never said, "Give me sex or give me death."

I think the motto of the male gender is "If you're gonna go, you might as well go with a big smile on your face."

No. 8: Guys, make room for the scented candles.

Ladies, I have to ask, where did all the scented candles come from? That is one of the most feminine inventions I've ever seen. Men don't care about scents or candles, much less about both rolled in to one. That is one invention that could be wiped off the face of the earth, and not a single man would say, "What the hell happened to the scented candles? Bubba, did you take my scented candles?"

Well, that's all I've figured out after 21 years of observing men and women. I'm sure I could have learned more, but I was too busy thinking about "Star Wars"


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