In defense of douchery

The University is not one of the nation's douchiest colleges; it is simply better than the rest

This University prides itself on rankings. The annual release of the “America’s Best Colleges” issue of U.S. News & World Report is circled on President John T. Casteen, III’s calendar months ahead of time. When Forbes listed schools like Hampden-Sydney ahead of the University in its 2009 best colleges list, students cried foul. It has even been rumored that Virginia football and basketball were once ranked in the top 25 of ESPN and AP polls. Not sure about that one.

Recently, the list of accolades has grown one larger: GQ Magazine has listed the University the 25th “douchiest” college in the U.S. Though the recognition is appreciated, GQ has in reality doled out a backhanded compliment: clearly, the University deserves to be ranked much higher on this list. Furthermore, we have qualms with the word “douchey” – it is not that students here are douches, but rather that they are simply better than everyone else.

The jealousy of GQ and the like is nearly palpable. Friedrich Nietzsche said it best: the weak-willed populace, filled with resentment toward the strong and powerful, cleverly inverted the world’s moral scheme to leapfrog the Homeric aristocrats and brand itself as noble. In other words, GQ targeted University students – honorable champions of Jeffersonian values – in a feeble attempt to reconstruct society as we know it. The proletariat will not reign, however, and the University shall remain on its pedestal overlooking the unrefined masses.

The problem with using the word “douchey” to describe this state of affairs, instead of “awesome,” is that it implies a certain unwarranted arrogance – our arrogance is entirely warranted. How dare GQ and men.style.com suggest that University community members are full-of-themselves and pretentious? And how dare those publications besmirch Mr. Jefferson’s legacy one step further, ranking the University only 25th and referring to it as the “blue-blazer douche?” Lest anyone forget, blue blazers describe only a small fraction of our overall excellence. How could GQ’s editors leave out those beautiful sorority girls who exclude others on the basis of appearance and wealth alone? Or what about that proud, inebriated, backwards-hatted fraternity man standing – like a regal knight – on the stained cushions of a couch, shouting obscenities at mere first-year students? Lawnies and secret society members: Where is your sense of decency, to not respond with force and vigor to these libelous allegations of douchery?

At least we are given good company. Honorable-mention blue blazer douches included Duke, Johns Hopkins, and even football powerhouses like William & Mary. If using an ampersand in your college’s name does not imply snobbery, nothing does.

GQ’s assault on our reputation would have been easier to stomach had it not mischaracterized our culture so horridly. For example, the write-up attacks our usage of highbrow, esoteric language to describe everyday things, such as saying “the Lawn” instead of “the quad.” (What the hell is a quad?) However, it erroneously implies that we insist on referring to the Civil War as the “War Between the States.” That accusation is borderline offensive. Everyone knows that the Civil War should only be called the “War of Northern Aggression.”

In a final crack at blasphemy, GQ suggested our football fans are soft and just sit around drinking mint juleps in the stands. This falsity barely merits a retort. Mint juleps are far too difficult to make during a game; students would clearly choose bourbon, peach schnapps or a nice chardonnay instead.

Although GQ missed some of the University’s finer attributes with its rankings, we give it credit for recognizing our charm. Students must take responsibility to ensure a higher douchery ranking in future years. Fear not, founder Jefferson: we shall carry on the glory of our alma mater into the ages. We will not buckle to the forces of social progress. We put the “status” in status quo.


Published September 16, 2009





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Commentary

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Entertained
(09/16/09 3:25pm)
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HILARIOUS.


douche lover
(09/16/09 3:35pm)
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Reading this in biology and getting glares from the other students because I'm laughing so hard


Wanna-be Prepster
(09/16/09 4:58pm)
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As someone who spent $100 for new clothes to wear when I got invited by my legacy friend to be the black guy in the president's box, I am only disappointed that we didn't rank higher. I'm hanging up my $70 UVA suspenders in annoyance.


Jordan B
(09/16/09 7:04pm)
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Also afraid this was going to be serious and I was going to have some words with some of my dear friends, but this is great.

I was talking about our "douchiness" with a fellow UVA grad who is now doing post-grad studies elsewhere. We realized that really other universities don't have douches, but instead are plagued with unkempt masses of idiots on their quads. Our idiots have standards, and thus are douchebags. I never thought I would find a reason to like douchebags...


Damn Proud
(09/16/09 7:57pm)
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Let's not forget that we UVA students think so highly of ourselves that we tout "self-governance" as a major principle. Honor, UJC, IFC, etc. all are student run because, damnit, we're so good we don't need no faculty.


More Proud
(09/16/09 8:59pm)
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Yo editor, I'm really happy for you, and ima let you finish, but Money Talks was the best Lead Editorial of all time

\nJust kidding, this was awesome.


former lawnie secret society member
(09/16/09 9:20pm)
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hmmm... sounds like someone at the cav daily needs to defect and write for the dec. cav daily editorials are only allowed to be self-important and humorless.


Santa C cp '08
(09/16/09 9:38pm)
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I am glad that someone can find humor in UVAs ridiculous pretentiousness

we do suck, but we also are better than most

-SC


HOKIES#1
(09/16/09 9:43pm)
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At least you realize you all really are douches...


W '97
(09/16/09 9:47pm)
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You nailed it! You make the alumni proud!


Sacmo
(09/16/09 10:00pm)
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Well done UVA. Well done.


CLAS '04
(09/16/09 10:02pm)
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As an alumnus (CLAS '04), I personally hold you responsible for my entire office staring at me less than 5 minutes after we found out that our boss had passed away. Why? Because out of no where I just start laughing hysterically! This article is making it's way around facebook and a ton of alumni e-mail lists, I've gotten it 6 times in the past 4 hours! THANK YOU!

Oh, and HOKIES#1, this douche would like his luxury SUV filled with premium gas. and could you get my windows while you're at it? I'd get out of the car, but I don't want my perfectly awesome blazer to smell like Blacksburg.


Better than the guy above
(09/16/09 10:04pm)
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Yes we really are douches, but we are douches who are better than you and everyone else in that giant argricultural experiment otherwise known as your whole school. I am going to enjoy having you work for me one day.


James
(09/16/09 10:16pm)
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I thought coming from the Douchiest magazine in America this was a compliment. Come on, what kind of douche publishes over 200 pages of men's fashion editorial monthly? Your New York Magazine Snob douche.


Meghan
(09/16/09 10:41pm)
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This is retarded. I went to UVA undergrad and I'm a tad embarrassed (but not surprised) the Cav Daily has sought new standards of journalistic excellence bragging about a 25th douchiest ranking. Harvard got 4 and no one here is bragging about it. I feel that says something, especially since the non-achievements Cav is bragging about are pseudo-preppy rip-offs of Ivy schools, anyway. Maybe UVA should try for a more noble goal - like grounded, academically superior PUBLIC school instead of resorting to pretense.Then again, bragging about non-achievements has always been "douchey" in my book. Cheers!


Regal Knight
(09/16/09 10:56pm)
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Your time away from the University has obviously destroyed your sense of humor and your ability to write in complete sentences. Where are you going to grad school?


Caballero
(09/16/09 11:59pm)
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Regarding "pseudo-preppy rip-offs of Ivy schools," UVa's brand of douchery goes well beyond these superficial appropriations, which merely signify a genuine affinity with the likes of Harvard or Princeton, much as the entrenched Northeastern douchocracy is loath to admit it. Nobody, but nobody, has anything remotely as status-defining as our vocabulary--the Grounds, The Lawn, first-years, etc.--because these aren't verbal gimmicks, marketing tricks to differentiate us within a saturated market. No, Jefferson took on the entire euro-ecclesiastical tradition with these terms, and other schools are still catching on. These words are constant reminders that, after the nation finally got on its feet after surviving the War of 1812, Jefferson reinvented higher education. Other schools have been playing catch up ever since. Ivy douchery can't touch that, no matter how big their endowments get.


Laughing Townie
(09/17/09 12:00am)
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Finally someone who actually goes there who gets it. Good article.

But really now.. "rich history?" uh, would that be the built by slave labor part, the whole eugenics thing, or being one of the last schools to befowl themselves with blacks or women??

And then there is the suppressed history: The lawn was an overflowing camp of dying and dead confederate soldiers for years. Not many other universities can boast a mass grave. Must be 20 people who died in every one of those rooms now filled with coke parties. The surrender of the college and town - at the begging of the mayor and UVA big wigs waving white flags to Custer and begging him not to destroy it like they had just done to VMI. Doesn't make the "top 5 events" in history according to UVA nowadays - of course..

It didn't take long for someone who has never had a job to pipe in and boast about his unearned riches though, did it? They even come downtown to spend daddy's money sometimes. In town, we think the limitless arrogance (based on nothing), the superiority complex, and the revolting displays of unearned wealth of most (not all) UVA brats are all just the result of being poor little rich kids from NOVA still bitter about getting rejected by the Ivy League.

Really, we didn't read those amazing application essays you wrote.. Really..

As for who will be working for who, I heard the new Biltmore staff is made up almost entirely of UVA grads. Good for them. At least they finally got a job and decided to grow up.

"The University" LOL.


Charlottesvillan
(09/17/09 12:04am)
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When someone gets called a dooshbag, and their response is "no, we're just better than you", that is about as dooshy as one may stoop. What makes Uva kids better than everyone? I was born and raised in Charlottesville and even as a little kid I remember thinking how gay the majority of students were. Just super preppy kids that carried an ego like they were cool cats to hang out with, but in reality they were posers and just dorks. Seriously, I love Virginia and the University and its athletics, but you UVA students are what people say you are......DOOSHBAGS! haha, my roomate went to VA and trust me, the kid isn't better than anybody I know of, he probably hasn't been laid since college, where stuck up UVA girls were the only ass he could get cause he could use "we're better than everyone" pick-up lines. seriously, i've never read a more ignorant article in my life. can't wait to hear some dooshy responses to this from little bitch uva students/alums.


Laughing Myself to Death
(09/17/09 12:13am)
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Seriously... Charlottesvillian... the article is SATIRE.

Sadly, you're response only proves why U.Va. students think they're better than you. Because when The Cavalier Daily's managing board takes a stand against douchery by mocking it and poking fun ... you actually think they're serious. LMFAO.


ESPN says we're better
(09/17/09 12:13am)
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"Just about every other school in Virginia likes to bash UVA kids for being 'pretentious' and 'snobs.' In other words, they get called out for thinking they're better than everyone else. Well, if you went to the school in Virginia with the most stringent admissions requirements, best overall athletic program, most beautiful campus and coeds, most successful and famous alumni, the most storied social scene, was founded by Thomas Jefferson, and all that happened to be in what was voted the #1 city to live in America, well you'd think you were the shit too."\n-ESPN


non-douche
(09/17/09 12:14am)
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Some of you guys are really good at getting sarcasm. I'm looking at you, Charlottesvillian, and you, Meghan.


Regal Knight
(09/17/09 12:18am)
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^ never learned sarcasm or to spell douche


and you know this...
(09/17/09 12:27am)
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Hokies#1, Laughing Townie & Charlottesvillan - what are you doing reading a cavalierdaily.com article?? While you all have clever names, we don't care what you think and no uva alumni is offended by your words. so loosen up a little


Hopkins > Harvard
(09/17/09 12:31am)
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1. Hilarious! \n2. CLAS '04 and Regal Knight...thank you for saying what everyone else was thinking.\n3. Meghan - Just to clarify - Douche: (Doo Sh) n. Someone who "discreetly" states they attend Harvard in an attempt to make themselves seem more sophisticated or elite among their peers. Individuals often suffer from several severely debilitating insecurities. Cheers!



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