Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Student Affairs recently announced the creation of a themed ‘week’ to be added into the University’s official 2024-25 academic calendar. Occurring between May 6 and May 12, this week, named U.Va. Spirit Week, aims to celebrate all that is “U.Va.”
In its announcement, Student Affairs lamented the lack of school pride amongst the student body and identified it as the main impetus for the new week. They cited egregious offenses such as undergraduate students wearing clothes branded by other academic institutions and yelling “There’s no escape!” at tour groups while pelting them with ramen packets. Student Affairs also referred to students forgetting proper nomenclature regarding school years and graduate students having the audacity to ask for stipend payments to be paid on time as concerning offenses.
Student Affairs’ memo reads that “U.Va. Spirit Week will allow students to reflect on their role within the University system, explore their devotion to school traditions and customs and contribute financially to the vibrant Charlottesville community, aka the area around Grounds.”
The planned events are all University-themed of course, and attendance is mandatory. “We want to ensure that all students develop a strong passion for all things Wahoowa,” said the Student Affairs Secretary of Events. “No matter what.”
As directly pulled from the Student Affairs’ announcement, the schedule is as follows —
Monday, May 6 — U.Va. Devotion Kickoff and Mass Bodo’s Bagels Fest
Come join us as we celebrate and kickoff the very first U.Va. Spirit Week! Gather on the Lawn and enjoy free Bodo's Bagels supplied by the University. For convenience, menu options for each student are limited to a singular plain bagel with no cheese, a singular container of lox or a singular sprout layered sandwich. Note that your order will be added to your tuition.
Tuesday, May 7 — Jefferson Trivia Contest in a Historically Accurate Fashion
Test your knowledge of all things Thomas Jefferson in a high stakes trivia contest sponsored by our very own Jefferson Council. All questions will be pooled from student submissions, but please note that any questions relating to the so-called “problematic” components of his life will be discarded. Rewards include a coupon for the Monticello gift shop, a Jeffersonian wig and a photograph of Jefferson signed by the man himself.
Wednesday, May 8 — Honor Pledge, Sign it Yourself Today!
Solidify your commitment to the honor code again by writing your name alongside those of every previously enrolled student in the University’s very own ancient book of community trust that spans back decades. Consider this the Honor Committee’s special way of keeping the student body responsible. Make sure to have your social security card with you. Bringing a lock of hair taken from a family member and/or guardian is also recommended. Identities are nonrefundable.
Thursday, May 9 — President Jim Ryan-Themed Tour around Grounds
Come together on the South Lawn at 3 a.m. for a calm, leisurely tour around Grounds. The tour will be about our beloved president and will be led by a University Guide possessed by Ryan’s spirit! Notable stops on the tour include the secret bunker built to protect University leadership from student demands. Here, Ryan hides the poll box that class times are randomly selected from and the special scroll containing the names of all secret society members.
Friday, May 10 — CavMan and Men's Football Team Celebration at Crozet Pizza
Sing brainwashing praises of our excellent football team and eat pizza with CavMan. What are we celebrating? We don’t know! No mentions of any other sports teams that may exist or references to game scores are permitted. Furthermore, any conversations with CavMan must include a chant of “Wahoowa” after each sentence spoken. All parking spots around Grounds will be reserved for this event.
Saturday, May 11 — U.Va. Career Center, Learn We Exist!
Have you ever stepped foot in Clem 2 or visited the Career Center? Well, today is your day! While having the great honor of receiving a University of Virginia degree alone should guarantee you an occupation, sometimes we all need a nudge. Meet outside Clemons Library and take the perilous journey downstairs to the Career Center drop-in location to receive either life changing information that will set you straight for the rest of your life or absolute garbage advice.
Sunday, May 12 — Shannon Library Scavenger Hunt
Join us for the last U.Va. Spirit Week event in Shannon Library. Locate a small, brightly orange-painted book amongst the few others in the building by completing University-themed riddles that will reveal the book’s location. Please be aware that you will receive instant disqualification if you do not wear orange.
While this week is certainly unique in its breadth, U.Va. Spirit Week joins a plethora of themed weeks held across the spring and fall semesters. Among these weeks are Global Week, Honor Week, Humanities Week, Judiciary Week and U.Va, Health Week. These weeks are not to be confused with their shorter wannabe counterparts — Family Weekend and Finals Weekend. Other notable mentions include Wahoo Welcome Week, which lasts six weeks. Springfest is also a crowd favorite, but to attend you’ll first have to complete the Herculean task of finding UPC’s new Instagram account.
When asked about the addition of U.Va. Spirit Week, one singular student offered a strong defense in support of its aim.
Third-year College student and Student Affairs Intern Virginia Lyin said, “I think this week is exactly what this University needs. This University runs on the spirit of its students, and the money they inevitably donate as alumni.”
The Cavalier Daily has reached out to Student Affairs for a comment on the ethical and logistical concerns raised surrounding the timing of U.Va. Spirit Week — it occurs right in the middle of spring examinations. Student Affairs has not responded. More information regarding this fortuitous opportunity to follow in the coming weeks.
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