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U.Va.’s confusing, comic and concerning approach to Cavman’s character development

Even after 92 years, the personal life of our mustachioed mascot remains a mystery

<p>While all of these developments are pretty interesting in themselves, they are contradictory and don’t tell us much about our courageous Cavalier as a person.</p>

While all of these developments are pretty interesting in themselves, they are contradictory and don’t tell us much about our courageous Cavalier as a person.

Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.

Cavman. Our University’s brave mascot. The guy who’s too cool to show his face at orientation. The man with the name only one vowel from Caveman. Critics may say that Cavman is not a real cavalier — he wasn’t a supporter of King Charles during the English Civil War, as far as I’m aware. Still, as Cavman’s biggest fan, I feel a responsibility to take him seriously and set some things straight. Namely, that U.Va. has had a real wack approach to Cavman’s character development in the near-century that he has existed on Grounds.

First, to do what the University has not and clarify what we must focus on, I want to review what constitutes a valid depiction of our mustachioed mascot. Is Cavman supposed to be a brave warrior, charging stoically into battle against the monsters of the ACC on the regular? Or, is he a crowd-flopping clown who shows up to dance around sporting events and go home?

This is where I must make an important distinction. The physical manifestation of Cavman — as in the student wearing the Cavman costume — is NOT the “real” Cavman. I know this may come as an unwelcome shock to many of you, but I assure you that the logic here is intuitive. 

Think of it this way — if you were asked to picture Chuck E. Cheese as a character, what would you think of? The annoying little 3D rat you see in the commercials? Or your friend from high school who daps you up in full Charles Cheese costume when you pick him up from work to hang out? As endearing as the latter is, it demonstrates just how sharply a character can change when you swap out the person underneath the mask. Therefore, we must examine Cavman the idea, rather than Cavman the man.

To this end, examining Cavman’s words could tell us quite a bit about his character — at least, one would think so. Unfortunately, Caveman’s utterances are few and far between, and he seems only to speak in quotes used for the University’s anti-hazing campaigns.

Upon further review, these anti-hazing exceptions are a tad ironic — Cavman was not always as sober as he now appears to be. In an official 1937 decal depicting the mascot, he can be seen stumbling, carrying a glass of mint julep in one hand and a weighty jar of what appears to be liquor in the other. Considering prohibition ended in 1933 — which, incidentally, was the same year that Cavman was born — this was a shocking display of intoxication from a character who would go on to condemn such vices, essentially the 20th century equivalent of seeing Cavman blacked out on the ground at a darty with a borg in hand.

So, unfortunately, we can’t rely on the physical mascot Cavman for reliable character-building, and we can’t make much of the words that he gives us. Thankfully, the early 2000s 3D-rendered Adventures of Cavman fill in the gaps and serve as a crucial primary source for our analysis.

These videos, which are true kino and should be seen by as many people on Grounds as possible, provide considerable insight into an otherwise inscrutable mascot. First, Cavman has electrical powers which he frequently uses to fight and kill other mascots. Furthermore, the spirit of Thomas Jefferson seems to personally approve of these executions. Finally, Cavman seems to have watched Karate Kid, as he imitates a famous scene from that movie whilst sending the USC Spartan straight to Hell.

While all of these developments are pretty interesting in themselves, they are contradictory and don’t tell us much about our courageous Cavalier as a person. Aside from his implied taste in 80s movies, we’re left at another bizarre dead end.

Even after all of the Cavman content I’ve steeped myself in, I cannot for the life of me understand his spirit — his personal raison d’être — and perhaps, I never will. At this point, it’s up to the University to provide us with the deep Cavman content we need and finally give its poster boy some life of his own. 

Whether U.Va. gives him a deeply emotional backstory, a time-tested code of ethics or even just a limited-time series available only on Disney Plus, know that I will be the first on the scene to break down any new Cavman content for the layman. I’ll be there — no matter what — to count his backflips, track his standard drinks and measure his voltage output, down to the electron.

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