This University is a big pool filled with people from several corners of the world. Each person you meet is like a snowflake: unique, yes, but also composed primarily of water. Some people become your best friends; others become “that boy I met at the dumpling cart first year.” Some even become the “I’ve decided to start praying again so I don’t run into you” person. After 3.5 years on Grounds, I think I have encountered my fair share of U.Va. humans. Here is a list of nine different wahoos you come across during your college reign.
1. The people you see in public who never respond to your emails
“Hey, Matt! What’s up? Nothing? Really? How’s your roommate? What about your inbox? LOL! Don’t worry — when I send emails, I never expect a response! I recently downloaded an email tracker, so I know you opened it! Have a great day!”
2. The person whose only Facebook profile pictures are promotional flyers
Sometimes, I wonder if this person just hates self portraits and would rather promote philanthropic events than be caught with actual photographic evidence of his or her humanity on Facebook. You were probably nervous when you added him or her as a friend because you knew his or her name but can’t verify there isn’t someone at U.Va. with the same name (petition to make computing IDs our Facebook names?) A rare, more vomit-inducing promotional Facebook picture can even involve a collage of flyers. We get it — you’re involved. I’m still not buying your 20 dollar frocket unless it’s made of Challah.
3. That person you met once but say “hi” to every time you see each other
I honestly think this exists for everyone. You always walk by Emma’s roommate’s best friend, that you met once and talked to in a group setting seven months ago, and now you always walk by each other by the Chapel on Mondays and Wednesday at 10:55 a.m., so it would be just plain rude to not say hi, right?
4. The people that are literally always jamming out to music even when there’s no music playing
Sometimes, I wonder if these people are wearing invisible headphones. These kids are toe-tapping, pencil-drumming, perfect pitch-whistling bundles of energy. I wonder if they have ever experienced silence. Do they dream of playing Rock Band? Do they weep softly to Adele? I often have background music in my dreams. I listened to over 20,000 minutes of music on Spotify alone in 2014. I sometimes hum on my walks home. Oh my god, is this me?
5. That kid always en route to a meeting
“Hey Josh, what’s up? Can’t talk? Oh, no it’s fine — don’t worry about it. Let’s get lunch sometime! Yeah, I guess you can send me a Google calendar invite?” This kid probably has four different bluetooth headsets in his Amazon cart right now, and is also probably in multiple Secret Societies, but you won’t know for sure until graduation or beyond, so why even bother asking?
6. People you are convinced cannot actually be enrolled in classes
These people have somehow not failed out of school and have jobs every summer, but always send you Snapchats of them watching “How to Get Away with Murder” in bed midday. They are also always asking you for your Hulu Plus password and spoiled the surprise of whether Jen got the deal on Shark Tank when you finally had a chance to watch TV for the first time since ‘nam. I used to wonder how this was possible, but then I learned with a little dark magic, you can be enrolled in 15 credits and still not have class on Mondays and Fridays. Incredible.
7. That person you only know from Pint Night
Sometimes, I wonder if this person really exists. You have never seen them outside of Mellow Mushroom but, without fail, you run into him or her every Tuesday night filling up that beer club card. At this point, it’s essentially office hours. This is probably the most stable relationship in your life at the moment. You clink steins, laugh about something funny from the past week, and don’t see them for the next 6 days.
8. That person you only know from the gym
This is mostly an ode to my fake relationship with T. Sully at North Grounds gym. Pro tip: don’t take her seated elliptical.
9. That person you always accidentally wave to because you “could’ve sworn” it was Sarah,
I am frequently on both sides of this scenario. I wave to one girl so frequently thinking she is one of my friends that now, we think we actually know each other. I am also convinced I have a twin on Grounds because I rarely go a week without being mistaken for someone else. Last week, a girl smiled at me, approached the table in Nau-Gibson I was sitting at, and just stood in front of me blank-faced. I asked her if she had mistaken me for someone else, she said yes, and we both carried on with our days. I even resisted yelling “Bye, Buddy! I hope you find your Dad!” as she walked away just to save her any more embarrassment. I really do hope she found her friend like Elf found his dad (spoiler alert). If someone does, however, know who my twin is, let me know. I’d love to meet her.
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