Distant coffee houses don’t lead to better test grades

In their most recent study, the Brookings Institution found that students who traveled out of their way to study at distant coffeehouses did not, in fact, perform better than their counterparts.

“The idea that the more remote a location is, the more receptive students will be to learning class material, is blatantly false,” said Brookings president Strobe Talbott during the press conference to announce the findings. “We’ve definitively ruled out any positive correlation between a student’s academic performance and the study location’s degree of isolation from human civilization.”

Predictably, many students have reacted negatively to the reports thesis.

“I, like, need to study somewhere that’s really far away, away from Grounds, away from all the drama, you know?” said Rachel Tinsley, a second-year College student studying psychology. “There’s a coffee-shop in D.C. where I have to do all my work at, and it’s just one Amtrak train ride away.”

When asked how she’s incurring such high transportation costs, Tinsley replied, “It’s the investment my parents are willing to make for the sake of my education — after all, it’s the coffee that’s the real cost.”

While the report is already causing most philosophy and English majors to reconsider their studying strategies, this is not the first inkling hipster students have been given to this phenomenon as a myth.

“Really, it makes pretty intuitive sense to not insist on traveling egregious distances every time you feel the need or desire to study,” said surgeon-general Vivek Murphy, a longtime proponent of reasonable studying habits. “It is inconvenient, impractical and exclusive. All the time you could spend actually studying is wasted on listening to music on the bus, or trying to figure out the directions to the place.”

With a wave of students thrown into disarray and confusion from these findings, teachers, doctors and educational experts are working to offer alternative locations for studying.

Susan Abelein, a Senior Advisor for Catapult Learning, recommended, “Literally any place with a seat, a flat surface and maybe a Wifi connection, if you need an Internet connection. It doesn’t have to be very convoluted.”

“Being really far away from the campus isn’t nearly as important as having a work ethic or a general passion for what you’re studying,” added Abelein, going on to remind students everywhere that, “Seriously, just be an adult and study in your room.”

However, not all students are fazed by this new research, including staunch study traveler Josh Timmerson.

“Domestic travel for studying is obviously inefficient, so that’s why I get round-trip ticket to Paris or the Kremlin for when I need to crank out a problem set or pull an all-nighter,” Timmerson said.

Upon being asked what are his favorite coffeehouses, Timmerson said, “There is a mud house in Sao Paolo that I do for my daily WebAssign. Honestly, though, the Himalayan Starbucks barista knows my order, so while the wifi and the air density is bad at that altitude, I love going there for my Connect assignments.”

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