You’re not very good at going out, John. Don’t worry, there’s no shame in it. It’s admirable that you keep trying, cute even. What is it, eight attempts? That’s not bad for someone without a fake. I know your routine too. You brush, floss and mouthwash in that exact order. Then you borrow your friend’s shirt because your Target brand just won’t cut it this time. This time you need the good stuff. The Aéropostale. You look in the mirror and convince yourself that this is going to be the night. You could kiss someone. People do that when they’re out. You could be like those people.
You head out, find your way and for a while you manage to blend in with the party society. The beginning is easy, there are established activities to do. You get your cup. You say “hi” to people you know. Hugs. Small talk. Burnett’s. There’s always Burnett’s. Then everyone settles into their conversation circles. You nestle into one, talk about that econ test, some Netflix show, whatever. It’s eerily similar to those middle school dances you got overexcited for.
You’re fitting in well with the party people. You pick up a guy’s beer pong ball a couple dozen times. He kind of sucks at beer pong. He knows it. You encourage him anyway. Besides him you mostly stay in your comfort zone. You wonder if anyone else is eager to leave their conversational cocoon of familiars and meet the strangers only a few feet away. Maybe you could be that guy who infiltrates a foreign conversation circle. Maybe next time.
So you stand around, but there’s only so much small talk you can take. It grates against your ears and then you make your mistake: you start thinking.
“What am I doing here? What are we all doing here? I’m not meeting anyone significant. Am I just doing it wrong? I think I’m doing it wrong. I must be doing it wrong. I’ve heard so many great stories about going out. What am I doing with my life? I’m sweating and small talking in a circle. When was the last time I had a quality conversation standing in a circle? I hate conversation circles. Am I allowed to hate conversation circles? It’s a weird thing to hate. I don’t like how everyone holds their cups the same way either. Is that weird? That’s weird. I’m weird. I don’t belong here.” The thoughts roll over you like a wave. You feel your face frowning. You might’ve said a couple of those things out loud. You need to work on that.
“Um. Do you want a shot?” somebody says. Maybe they actually said “need.” You decline. You go home. You try again next week.
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