Five nicknames worse than 'Four Eyes'

People who wear glasses have been the recipients of mean nicknames for centuries. The worst, of course, is the harsh epithet “Four Eyes.” Historians believe this nickname has been in use since the time of cavemen, and many of the bespectacled among us have no doubt been teased with this brutal nomenclature. Though the confusing and vague nature of the nickname “Four Eyes” surely cuts to the core, I’d argue there are worse things one could be called. In fact, there are exactly five nicknames which are worse than “Four Eyes.” Read on, and thank your lucky stars if “Four Eyes” is the worst thing you’ve ever been called.

1. Big Man on Campus

This devastatingly mean nickname is often used by bullies who have low self-esteem and recently watched a raunchy teen comedy film from the 90s. When said sarcastically, “Big Man on Campus” can cut even the coolest of the cool down to size. You think you have it bad, “Four Eyes?” Try getting called a nickname which is also the title of a 1989 box office flop about a hunchback living in a college bell tower.

2. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Every honest man and woman dreads the day when they will be assigned the epithet “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.” Though usually chanted in a lighthearted, singsong tone, this cruel nickname is a grave insult and should be taken as such. Glasses-wearers and non-glasses-wearers alike quiver in fear they will be called “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” and be forced to sue for libel, take the stand and defend their good name in a court of law until their tormentor stops chanting about their aflame trousers.

3. Sneaky Little Brown-Noser with a Hidden Agenda

Popularized by the hit film “The Lizzie McGuire Movie”, “Sneaky Little Brown-Noser with a Hidden Agenda” is the most detailed of any mean nickname. So many insults rolled into one can prove devastating, and this nickname should be avoided at all costs. Anyone who is identified as a “Sneaky Little Brown-Nose with a Hidden Agenda” is sure to be hated by their peers, and not even a 20 / 20 vision will help them escape the infamy of being regarded as not only sneaky, but also small in size, a teacher’s pet, and some type of manipulative secret agent.

4. Captain Encyclopedia

This nickname may at first seem like a compliment because it starts with the title of “Captain,” but don’t let that fool you. This name, reserved for people who are always quoting the encyclopedia in everyday conversation, has the power to ruin its victims’ lives. Eyewear or no, those dubbed “Captain Encyclopedia” find themselves stuck in an eternal state of suffering, as they are ridiculed for their vast knowledge of facts and definitions but also constantly asked questions like “Why is the sky blue?” and “What do axolotls eat?” There is no escape for a “Captain Encyclopedia,” because every last one eventually finds herself in a situation where her knowledge of obscure facts will save her tormentor’s life. When she decides, against her better judgment, to save the bully her gave her such a cruel nickname, she will be thanked and promptly re-named “Lieutenant Know It All.”

5. Numbnuts

The evilest of all nicknames, “Numbnuts” is favored by exceptionally hardcore bullies who seek to emotionally destroy their victims. No one is safe from the horror of being called “Numbnuts” — not the bespectacled, contact lens-wearers, reading glasses-havers or even those with perfect eyesight. One little slip up, and you’re a “Numbnuts” until your dying day. Good luck getting a job or finding a date once the whole world finds out about your embarrassing nickname. A recent study found that nine of every 10 letters sent to the U.S. Witness Protection Program come from people who have been called “Numbnuts” and are hoping to start a new life where no one knows their name (especially not their nickname).

So cheer up, “Four Eyes.” Now you have some ammo for the next numbnuts who tries to make fun of your big ol’ lenses.

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