YOU KNEW it. You knew professors were talking about you. What you didn't know is the latest thing they're talking about -- life in Student E-mail Hell.
The two of us, for example, have been talking about odd e-mails from students. Of course, this means we have pointless lives in which quirky e-mails actually count as a topic of discussion. But as a married couple of professors, this is pretty much the big excitement as we drive home in the evening, unless we hit a squirrel.
We love teaching, and we love our students, but we also love making fun of them. We've been thinking of what we would really like to say in response to the more demanding e-notes flashing across our screens. Here are some typical e-mails, our responses, and the answers we're really thinking.
Dear Professor,
I'm really interested in taking your course but it is full on ISIS. I need you to sign a course action form so I can get in. When can I come by to have you sign it? -- Student
What we say: I'm sorry I am not signing course action forms at this time. Please keep trying to add in through ISIS and come to the first class if you're interested.
What we'd like to say: It's unfortunate that dozens of other students have filled up these spaces despite having little or no interest in the course. The closing of the course was meant for those other students, not you. Perhaps I can stop by your dorm at your convenience to sign the form for you.
Dear Professor,
I am interested in going to graduate school in your field. Can you please tell me what I need to do to get into graduate school? Thanks! -- Student
What we say: This is something that would be best discussed in person. Please come to see me during my office hours, or call or stop by to make an appointment.
What we'd like to say: I assume that you're asking me this to get personalized advice, but without more information from you, my advice will be about as meaningful as a horoscope. The back-and-forth of live interaction absolutely is required for questions like this. Unless, of course, you would like me to be your e-mail psychic connection at $3.00 per minute. In that case, I want to mention that no one ever really fully has appreciated you in the way you deserve and that there are simple things you could do to make life turn around for you.
Dear Professor,
What are your office hours? -- Student
What we say: M 11-12, T F 4-5.
What we'd like to say: This information is publicly available on my door, in my syllabus, outside the department office and on the department Web site, so I'd rather not type it yet again just for you. I would gladly tattoo it on your arm, though.
Dear Professor,
I need to meet with you. Can you meet Thursday at 2:00 p.m.? Please let me know. -- Student you have never met
What we say: I am not available then. If possible, please come to my office hours. If not, call me or visit my office during my hours to schedule a meeting. Or send me more possible times.
What we'd like to say: Thursday at 2:00 is my appointment at the Carpal Tunnel Clinic. It all started answering e-mails like yours and now I can hardly wave bye-bye.
Dear Professor,
I was in your large lecture class last spring and got a B+. I need a letter of recommendation and would really appreciate it if you would write it. Please let me know if you need any information. -- Student whose name you recognize
What we say: Please come meet with me to discuss this in person. There is a lot of information I need to write a letter of recommendation.
What we'd like to say: I would love to know whether you're the student in back who asked brilliant questions or that open-mouthed sleeper in the third row. If you're not willing to come in to see me, I believe it's safe to assume you're the sleeper, so my letter will be about those fine tonsils.
How do you keep professors from saving your e-mails for their next rant on student manners? Think of the numbers. The professor may have hundreds of students at a time, whereas you have a handful of professors. Imagine your emotions if hundreds of professors were sending you e-mail. Professors won't have to talk about you if you think about them first, so here is a thoughtful rule of thumb: If it is less convenient for a professor to answer your question over e-mail than through an office visit or phone call, don't e-mail.
(Toni Wegner and Dan Wegner are professors of psychology.)
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