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Dockter Duval's Advice Column

Dear Dockter Duval,
My roommate is addicted to AOL Instant Messenger and constantly chats all day long. He voices the words that he types out as if he is talking to the person, and never turns off the volume on his computer because he has to hear the "door opening" sound when his friends get online. When I ask him to please keep it down, he stays quiet for a few minutes and then starts back up again. What more can I do?

Sincerely,
Anti-Cyberspace

Dear Anti-Cyberspace,
When dealing with someone that seems to have substituted face-to-face interactions for words on a screen, it is likely that this person has lost most of his verbal communication skills. In fact, unless you mimic a computer your message probably won't get through. You should start referring to him by his screen name, and then making a door opening sound followed with that annoying little three-toned chime prior to talking to him. Hopefully, through some sort of transitive property, he'll grow sick of communicating in that fashion and toss aside AOL IM altogether. If that doesn't work, just log on to your computer and start an onslaught of messages telling him to be quiet. Certainly the absurdity of sending a computerized instant message to someone in the same room can't be ignored.

Dear Dockter Duval,
My boyfriend has recently introduced the idea of a having a threesome, meaning adding another girl to the mix. He says that it's something he just wants to experience and that if I really wanted to make him happy then I would partake. I don't want to disappoint him, but I'm not that comfortable with the idea of it all. Is there anything I can say to convince him otherwise?

Sincerely,
Two is a Perfect Number

Dear Two is a Perfect Number,
First of all, if you're not comfy with the idea then there is no reason you should do it, plain and simple. Besides, even normal vernacular backs up the fact that it takes TWO to tango, or in the words of Rob Base, TWO to make a thing go right. THREE, well, it's a crowd, and that isn't what you want in your most intimate moments (especially if you're in a dorm -- the sheer dynamics of three people in one of those skinny single beds can be quite problematic). As for convincing him, perhaps you should make him aware of the fact that 75 percent of female-female encounters include orgasm for both partners, which is probably higher than his "batting average". By adding another female to fulfill some afflicted fantasy, he runs the risk of forever feeling inadequate, which he probably is, and you wondering why you need guys any more. This is one scenario where I actually applaud ignorant bliss. If this guy still tells you he wants two in bed he deserves to be stuck with five ... fingers attached to his palm.

Dear Dockter Duval,
I live in a house with five other girls. They have decided that we should each have weekly cleaning chores to do, but I am never around the house. Basically, I sleep in my bed and that's about it. Because I'm so rarely there, I end up not doing my chores and they get really upset at me. I think we should all just pick up after ourselves to make things a lot easier instead of cleaning up after others. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Frustrated with Cleaning

Dear Frustrated with Cleaning,
Why is it that often times in girls' living arrangements there are these random chore lists of things that need to be done? Can't people just clean up their own mess and then, out of pure benevolence, throw in occasional sweeping and mopping once in a while? If you're never around then there's no reason you should have to clean. It's not as if you're living at home with Mommy and Daddy, doing the weekly duties so you can get money to hang out at the mall. If they can't understand that you shouldn't be responsible for the cleaning then maybe only through mutual suffering will they get it through their heads. When it's not your week to do dishes, come home for a while and drop off all your friends' dirty pots and pans, or better yet, don't flush when it's not your turn to clean the bathroom. Soon, the concept of cleaning up after yourself will inevitably be accepted. When in doubt, you can always turn it into a cat fight. Sure, two wrongs don't always make a right, but they definitely do make it even.

Please submit advice comments and questions to Dockter Duval at advice@cavalierdaily.com.

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