I demand QualChoice contraceptive coverage. In case you're a stupid caveman or an ignorant Christian, here's the deal. QualChoice, the health coverage plan for University students, doesn't cover oral contraceptives or contraceptive devices (a.k.a. "rubbers" or "jimmy hats"). It should, and not only because my friends from other schools get their sex paid for.
In her Cavalier Daily column on Friday, Laura Sahramaa aptly notes that "In 1995, the Institute of Medicine Committee on Unintended Pregnancy determined that one of the main reasons for the high rates of unplanned pregnancy in the U.S. was due to private health insurance plans not covering contraceptives." Such a proclamation firmly undermines what was rendered in 1571 by the Antwerp Diet of Copulation, which ignorantly claimed, "the creation of little people is the result of adulterous sinning" (trans. Lars Ulrich). Anyone truly of the year 2000 clearly can understand that sex is a right (whoa, I almost said "God-given"), and that, as is the case with all inalienable rights, the person empowered by said right bears no responsibility of any repercussions resulting from the exercise of that right.
I can hear the objection of all you moralists out there. Puh-lease - morality is so out, since, like, the Puritans or something.
Is the "Medicine Committee" not enough of an authority for you? Again to Sahramaa: "Raising insurance premiums so that the cost of preventing pregnancy is distributed evenly over men and women would be better than placing the full burden on women, which isn't an accurate reflection of the fact that both partners should be responsible for the consequences of sex."
Think about it. Why isn't QualChoice dictating the terms of our relationships? Isn't that what health plans are for? And you thought that was just the jurisdiction of the federal government!
Still not entirely convinced we need contraceptive coverage? If I might enlist Ms. Sahramaa for the final time, her research uncovers the costs of the care for a mother and infant for one pregnancy ($10,000), a first-trimester abortion ($450) and a year's supply of birth control pills ($300). She puts it better than I could when she concludes, "the math here is anything but fuzzy. It follows basic arithmetic, not to mention basic common sense, that contraceptives are cheaper than unplanned pregnancies."
For those suffering common sense deficits, I would like to explicate this point further.
Do the math - the $300 pills everyone would take under the revised QualChoice plan would prevent those $10,000 pregnancies everyone is currently dealing with. Holy crap! You're netting $9,700 per University female! That's, like, $87 million! Think of all the hypothetical benefits that a hypothetical $87 million could buy!
Having trouble coming up with any? The first would be the "non-smoking benefit." The cost of smoking to health care companies has been astronomical, as evidenced in all the lawsuits of recent years. So why in the hell aren't we paying smokers to not smoke? Think of those savings! Sure, our premiums might go up, but since it will be actually saving the healthcare plans money, their administrators would get nicer cars. This is just another indication of how totally stupid those companies are and how much more we know about the business of running one than they do - even though an added benefit would actually save them money, they don't introduce it.
We've still got $17 million, my frugal Democrats! It's readily accepted that drunk people are more apt to drive their cars through walls than sober ones. A visit to the emergency room can get pretty pricey. Now, it's every American's right to drink, provided that he or she is of legal age or does not get caught.
It's sort of a no-brainer that a drunk person driving a car has a greater chance of wrecking that car than if he or she were a passenger in the same car. Can you say "universal chauffeur service?" The same logic as the sex applies here - a person's going to drink, and if he doesn't have a chauffeur we can't trust him to not drive his car through Drty Nelly's, even though it's not in his best interest to do so. People are so pathetic like that. It's amazing how much better people's lives would be if they listened to us.
But let's get back to the sex, and the right to have sex that we like to trumpet as a token of our freedom from a world of squares. Let's not stop at the contraceptive benefit; let's go all the way and make a good thing even better.
The best part of the "jimmy hat initiative" is that people who have sex, like us, get it subsidized by people who don't. Let's extend this fundamentally American principle of getting what you didn't pay for to sex in general. Discount trips to Amsterdam and AAA prostitute vouchers for QualChoice members. An "accoutrements benefit" for harnesses, body oils and cleaning products.
Can we get a toothpaste benefit tacked on there? My dental co-payments are going through the roof! And who's underwriting my Colt .45 habit this month? Don't make me drink turpentine and spend a week comatose in a hospital bed!
If you want to do it with a Swede, you've got to do it like the Swedes. Don't stop at signing the Contraceptive Coverage Committee's petition.
Send QualChoice your heating and telephone bills too. Tell your Student Council representative that tuition should be covered under any University-sponsored health plan.
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