I know, I know, the NFL isn't what it used to be.
The theatrical tones of NFL Films' John Fascenda have been supplanted by the cocky crowings and cryings of Randy Moss.
Goodfellas like Joe Montana and Roger Staubach have given way to bad boys like Ray Lewis and Keyshawn Johnson. Perhaps most disheartening of all, the St. Louis Rams and the Baltimore Ravens have hoisted the last two Lombardi Trophies as Super Bowl Champions.
The Rams! The Ravens! Who's next, the Seahawks?
So with this cesspool of frustration bubbling ever bigger by the year, disillusioned football enthusiasts - those dyed-in-the-wool pigskin purists who retch at the thought of Trent Dilfer as a Super Bowl quarterback - have every reason to rejoice at the conclusion of another nondescript NFL season.
That's all well and good, but before you banish football from your brain for the next six months, be forewarned of the programming absurdity you may encounter the next time you pick up the clicker:
1) NBC and UPN offer you the next in Vince McMahon's long line of family-first offerings: the XFL.
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And you thought a Rams/Titans Super Bowl last year was disgraceful and downright apocalyptic. Just wait until the New York/New Jersey Hitmen and the Memphis Maniax bang heads on a Saturday night. Even "Full House" and "Moesha" look a lot more appealing.
The rebel football organization, masterminded by WWF owner McMahon and NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol, features smack-slinging football has-beens and never-could-bes, cheerleaders in dental-floss spandex and push-up bras, and a state governor as television color commentator (OK, he's not really a governor, just Jesse Ventura).
This is a league designed for youths, ages 12 to 24? God bless America!
But if you're that die-hard when it comes to football, and an absence of talent and class doesn't trouble you, then the XFL may be right up your alley.
If it is, "gimme a hell yeah."
2) If the XFL doesn't quite suit your fancy, change over to ESPN2 and you'll stumble across no college basketball conference duels, nor graceful Mario Lemieux to Jaromir Jagr one-timer goals. Instead, you get the Winter X-Games.
I'm not exactly sure what constitutes an "X-Game," but evidently Moto-X Big Air and Snowmobiling are now Division-I varsity sports.
Sidenote: I thought snowmobiles were reserved solely for those hunky ski patrol boys who speed across the snow-capped hills dressing accident-induced broken bones.
So I digress. But really, what are Winter X-Games? I'm accepting submissions as we speak.
Even if these so-called sports seem like nothing more than an excerpt from the movie "Aspen Extreme," watch them for the starpower. The XFL may be thirsting for talent, but the Winter X-Games showcase prominent names like J.F. Cousin, Sebastien Lounis and Jim Beck, Jr.
Hey, that's good enough for me.
3) If you're still not satisfied, turn over to ESPN the Original on Feb. 14. Witness self-promotion gone hideously overboard when "The Worldwide Leader in Sports" strokes its own ego for three boredom-packed hours with the ESPY Awards.
Samuel L. Jackson hosts (thank God, Jimmy Smits didn't get invited back), Dan Patrick and Rich Eisen exchange overplayed Sportscenter quips, and everyone fakes like they're having a jolly good time.
Click.
Maybe the only good news that emerges from this sports programming excess is a simple realization: NFL training camps open again in just six short months.
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