Students of the staggered screen, pupils of the pick-and-roll: Gather'round.
Last week I presented you with an assignment: Camp out in front of the big screen, fight your way through 48 games worth of utter NCAA madness and report back with your findings.
In the time-honored tradition of sending the 16 sweetest clubs onward in search of the college hardwood holy grail, I've condensed our laundry list of observations down to not 16 (that wouldn't fit) but eight noteworthy memories and moments.
So, what did we all learn (other than the fact that Spring Break can be a jolly good time even without Carson Daly and scantily clad collegiates overrunning the shores of Cancun)?
We learned that:
1) Cinderella no longer exists
When 13 of 32 first-round victors are sleepers, those underdogs aren't quite as mangy as they used to be. Cinderella's slipper fits so often and so snugly you'd think she inked a shoe deal with Nike.
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Why the rampant parity, you may wonder? Well, not all the superfreaks flock to Kansas and Kentucky anymore - gifted players exist everywhere. Do yourself a favor: Take your eyes off Jason Williams or the Duke cheerleaders (especially you, Matt Doherty) and check out Hampton's Tarvis Williams or Kent State's Trevor Huffman. You won't regret it.
2) The Big Dance would be better served with more favorites in its ballroom
Almost any club can compete when shone in the national spotlight for 40 minutes, especially considering the widespread talent previously noted.
But when teams like Indiana State and Utah State fuse back-to-back miraculous performances in the course of one weekend, that glass slipper has a nasty way of rubbing a blister the size of Dick Vitale's mouth on Cinderella's foot.
It also makes for mind-numbing round-of-32 roundball. Sure, Georgia State/Wisconsin provided great theater, but two days thereafter, Georgia State/Maryland gave us a midday siesta.
Smaller schools don't run the Big 10 or ACC gauntlet; thus, they're simply not prepared to endure the rigors of NCAA Tournament fever for extended periods.
3) Penn State plays basketball
It suddenly looks like Joe Paterno has a little competition. Before last weekend, the Nittany Lions roared to the tune of one NCAA win in JoePa's 35-year tenure. In four short days, they doubled that total.
Not only are PSU's players skilled, but they boast unbeatable names. Titus Ivory, Gyasi Cline-Heard ... how can you not pull for these cubs?
4) John Chaney is the smartest coach in America
You know that statement I made earlier - the one about talent meting out equally from sea to shining sea - well, that doesn't exactly apply to Temple.
Chaney isn't blessed with Lute Olson talent; instead, he is handed a band of discordant misfits and told to produce beautiful music. Consistently, he does it by reinventing cast-off no-names as Eddie Jones and Mark Macon.
The 2000-2001 season is no exception. Once again, Chaney masterfully concocted a motley crew into a sweet 16 qualifier and a bonafide Final Four threat.
I think it's time we recognized Chaney as a brilliant tactician, not as the kooky old man who choked John Calipari.
5) North Carolina is officially a program in decline
Though they made the Final Four one year ago, the Blue Bellies' fortuitous magic carpet ride only served to save the players' dignity and Bill Guthridge's head.
No rabbit popped out of the hat this time around. Carolina's 82-74 second-round swan song wasn't exactly unexpected considering the way it fell flat against Duke in the ACC Tournament, but it was disappointing nonetheless. Four double-digit pummelings in the last four weeks should have foreshadowed the heartless effort offered by Matt Doherty's bunch.
6) Mike Krzyzewski and Quin Snyder hug more often than sorority sisters on Bid Night
Without sounding overly callous, I must confess that a nauseating sensation ate through me when Coach K and disciple embraced incessantly before and after Duke's second-round win over Missouri.
Did anybody bother to notice Kareem Rush's exhibition of pinpoint shooting or Williams' dynamic play?
Guess we were too busy fawning over Coach K and Quin fawning over each other.
7) We should get off Donald Hand's case
I too am drooling to watch Majestic Mapp captain the ship, but Virginia could have done much worse this year than the point guard belittled and badmouthed more than Ronald Curry.
The Cavaliers could have had Curry.
8) This is the year of Williams
Without coming across as an egomaniac, I just so happen to share the same surname as the country's two premier field generals.
Illinois' Frank Williams and Duke's Jason Williams shine as the two most instinctive and most explosive point men still waltzing. It's overplayed more than a Creed single, but steady guard play hangs banners from rafters.
Come April 2, expect the Williamses and their respective units to be dueling it out for the entire pie.
Win or lose, I'm sure Coach K will get a few hugs anyway.
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