WITH THE end of the semester appearing on the horizon, it felt appropriate to break out my renowned powers of observation and foresight to predict what might happen with a few upcoming issues over this summer of 2001. Although one can't guarantee their complete accuracy, they are based on what has happened in the recent past.
News Item: Jeffersonian paternity. As yet another wrinkle has formed in whole Sally Hemings affair, the Thomas Jefferson Memorial Foundation recently proclaimed that it had found another person named Jefferson who could have fathered Heming's illegitimate child. This candidate, Randolph Jefferson, was heralded as showing that it was not completely conclusive that our third president engaged in extracurricular activities with his slaves.
Prediction: In subsequent weeks, the Jefferson Memorial Foundation releases 42 additional possible "candidates" for the father of Hemings's child. Among the more noteworthy names are Thomas Jefferson III, IV, V and XII, Jefferson Davis, rock group Jefferson Airplane, sit-com star George Jefferson, every alumnus of the Thomas Jefferson School of Law (located in, I'm not kidding, San Diego), Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, children's television star Thomas the Tank Engine and Saint Thomas Aquinas.
In every press release touting a potential father, the foundation presents "evidence," in the form of a photograph or portrait of the candidate, in which he is shown holding hands with a crudely-drawn stick figure with the name "Sally Hemings" written over its head.
News Item: Virginia governor's race. Although the Republican Party has yet to choose its nominee for governor, Virginia Democrats have rallied behind techno-zillionaire Mark Warner, an individual whose primary qualifications are a large bank account and a "youthful" appearance. Currently, Warner is a decided favorite over both Republican candidates and has raised a significant amount of campaign cash to augment his own personal assets.
Prediction: Republican nominee Mark Earley cries foul, after Warner sends out a series of mailers to all eligible voters containing both a personal appeal from the candidate and a check for $20. The Warner campaign attracts a substantial amount of additional attention, as it sets a nationwide record by officially employing approximately one-third of the Commonwealth.
Among the more suspect employees: over 100 pets listed as "campaign mascots," 45 "fashion consultants," 342 "campaign architects" and 298,423 persons employed as "voters." Ultimately, after a multi-million dollar campaign contribution is made to his campaign, Earley allows signs stating "Election 2001, Sponsored by Mark Warner" to appear at all polling places.
News Item: honor system publicity. Over the past weeks, the honor system has released a series of surveys that have reflected concerns over the even-handedness of the system's administration. Among the more controversial aspects of these studies have been indications that minorities and athletes have been reported to the system in disproportionately large numbers, relative to the student body.
Prediction: In an effort to instill a positive view of the system in fresh-faced first years, Honor Committee Chairman Thomas Hall unveils an aggressive public relations campaign, led by an "exciting, interesting" mascot. The mascot is later learned to be Bonner the Honor Otter, a focus-group tested, six-foot tall furry creature that quickly falls prey to students who enjoy changing his name into a vaguely obscene joke. Panicked, Hall responds by releasing the results of 23 different surveys. Aside from learning that the baja chicken gordita is the favorite Taco Bell entree of 73 percent of students convicted of an honor offense, the surveys impart little new information. One key statistic that does come out of the new studies: 98.5 percent of the student body does not care about the honor system until he or she is accused of an honor offense.
News Item: Mississippi churning. Showing that, yes, you can go home again (to 1861), Mississippi voters overwhelmingly rejected a proposal to alter the state flag by removing the rather defunct Confederate States of America's "Stars and Bars" design. This obviously has garnered a fair amount of bad publicity for the state.
Prediction: The Mississippi Tourism and Trade Board immediately goes to work, in an attempt to control the possible damage generated by the results of the referendum. A few proposed slogans include "Mississippi: Adjacent to Alabama," "Mississippi: We're Really Not Racist" and "Mississippi: We Like Black People ... We Swear."
(Seth Wood's column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at swood@cavalierdaily.com.)
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