Maybe it's the crinkle of the leaves on Rugby and the scent of pumpkin pie and burning logs. Or perhaps it's the puffy bags under many eyes, and those group e-mails that say so-and-so lost their credit card and a size 11 shoe. Either way, I can just feel it in the air. It's the most wonderful time of the year. So, get ready to slip on a pinstripe button down or a slinky tube dress because it's date function time!
Baby I've Got Your Number
Snagging a date at first can seem like a trying experience. Student locator is not the golden answer considering that everyone is on a first name basis, or even worse, occasionally pulls out the "Hey there - ugh, umm - you!" There are a variety of ways to ask appropriately that are suitable for a range of personalities and the type of function at hand.
First of all, we have the very early asker, who after a splendid time tailgating decides to secure a good date for his or her parents weekend formal, which is three weeks away.
But there is no need to shun the early asker. After all, it is crucial to choose someone who will represent to your parents the fine qualities that University students embody. I found myself one that was even nice enough to dance with my mom.
Next let's take a look at the late-night ask, which is extremely popular among the guys. Though an easy way to catch a date, the late-night asker needs to be weary of a girl's 3 a.m. wholehearted enthusiasm. After all, he is only bound to later discover that she is double-booked for the same function - and then most likely puts her on some sort of function black ball list.
I'd rather to move on to my favorite approach, the a-few-hours-before-the-party-kicks-off ask. I find it amusing to alphabetically call the stored numbers in my cell phone, pretending to be some sort of smooth operator. Or if I seem to be hitting on one too many answering machines, I just love to burst into a neighboring guys apartment with, "Hey, I need a boy!"
The last-minute ask has a safeguard, because the friends you primarily know after dark will not assume that you want to plan the names of your future kids and golden retriever.
To be functional or not to be functional
Before coming to college, the term functional implied that you managed to brush your teeth, make it to class on time and pretty much just operate as a person. Now however, it tends to denote a function-goer's reputation.
Some people just have it in them and always are a prize date. Then there are those unpredictable others, whose chance of being in a good mood is about the same as the chance of getting your money back at a Vegas slot machine.
Reliability is a key aspect of a functional person. A reliable date will never pull the ol' "out-of-town" gag and call the morning of to inform you of his mysterious, sporadic trip to D.C. I just hate it when my date runs away from me. Fortunately, I have a plethora of nice guys living in my apartment complex.
One, an extremely loyal function attendee, pulled a Clark Kent/Superman, by pounding on my door at 9 p.m., minutes after I asked him, in full thematic gear.
He surely hated to imagine his little neighbor, dateless and "noodling" by herself in a corner.
Moving along, a solid functioner not only takes his or her date out to dinner, but coordinates other couples to join, keeping in mind that the group must mesh well together. As much fun as it is to eat greasy chicken fingers in your pearls at the Biltmore, I am very partial to the Chiang House, where a hyper chef demonstrates culinary acrobatics. You don't have to worry about keeping the conversation flowing because dates can impress each other when they catch the flying shrimp like well-trained seals.
Oh, I could go into apparel and about how my friend was thoughtful enough to bring sneakers to a Christmas function so that she could dance well. I could write about stamina, considering functions are virtual party decathlons. But more importantly, take note of the number one quality of a functional person - good reflexes. Fraternity house floors always seem to freeze over and become treacherous ice rinks.
The functionable person always is the safest bet, but the moody unfunctional date makes for the best and most bizarre stories to tell for years to come.
And who doesn't love the CD changer girl who loves to harass the D.J. until he announces over the microphone, "Here's those cheesy '80s you requested." Watch this girl closely because on band nights, she turns into a groupie and feigns an infatuation with the guy on lead guitar. That Penny Lane from "Almost Famous" is very inspiring.
Now, let's take a close inspection at the most unique unfunctionable character - the date with an alter ego. Whether it's the black light or some Dimetapp side effect, this functioner decides to roughhouse her date, and then go about her merry way by chatting with every other guy.
The alter ego case also is closely related to the cheesy pick-up line artist. When struggling for conversation, the pick-up line artist complements one's physical features: "Your eyes are as blue as the Caribbean Sea." While standing on the steps of a frat house, this date will pull out a Scarlet O'Hara: "Look at the stars, the moon, and I am next to the pillars with the only man I've ever loved." Or perhaps she implies a tropical late-night rendezvous: "My villa or yours?"
The band does not play forever, but the party never ends
Whether you attack the camera with Sports Illustrated cover action shots, or have severe rosy photo face, thanks to our favorite party pic guys, we can enjoy the function for months to come. Last weekend I made it a point to tell my favorite party pic guy that he was a "stellar photographer," and then we took a photo together as I donned my huge '70s shades. I admire his expertise at catching functioners at the most importune moments, like when a poorly aimed cute cheek kiss turns into a wet smooch planted on some girl's nose.
How's this for coincidence? Just as I'm writing this, the guy who pulled the out-of-town gag called to redeem himself with a last-minute-night-of invite. Yet, I have a bad feeling that the phone will stop ringing after this is published. Last month I wrote a critique on frat party dancing, and now guys have this paranoid look in their eyes whenever I enter the room. I haven't been able to get down and boogie for weeks. Remember everyone - you can get my number from student locator! Now I've got to go hurry and figure out what to wear.
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