CHRISTMAS is the time when the Lord sent his son, Jesus Christ, down from Heaven to live among us. But unfortunately, around the same time every year, Satan also sends his own minions up to torment the living.
Case in point: rising country/pop star Brittney Cleary, whose recently released single "IM Me" is an entire song on the subject of instant messaging.
The song combines all of the worst musical elements of a Britney Spears song with annoying lyrics that rival those of "Yummy Yummy Yummy" by Ohio Express. But if you don't want to take my word for it, take a look at the lyrics:
"Hey L-O-L, G-2-G,/ I gotta go, but baby watch for me, cuz,/ I'll be right back, B-R-Beeeeeeeee,/ So sign on, and I-M me."
Brittney is only 13 years old, which means that she's fairly new to desecrating popular culture. But I'm genuinely worried about how far the Brittney Cleary plague will spread.
At first, I thought that the song was just a horrible joke. No one could possibly like this, my roommates and I guffawed. But as I was checking amazon.com, I saw the most horrible words, in bright red font: "Only one left in stock - order soon." That means that - against all things decent and respectable - people actually like this song.
One example is Jennifer Webb, the "Young Country" columnist for about.com. In her May 7 column of this year, she describes a preview of "IM Me": "Any person that hears this will 'instantly' like this and will be singing the catchy chorus in no time." She's absolutely right, if by "like this" she means "run to the bathroom to vomit," and by "singing the catchy chorus in no time" she means "desperately searching for the sanity that could once be found in the tormented recesses of my soul."
Even scarier is the announcement that there will be a music video soon. I'm sure that in a few months from now, I'll be thanking Santa for bringing me a remote with a "mute" button.
I know what many of you are saying. "Oh Brian, you're overreacting. In such a season of peace and love, it's not nice to insinuate that a 13 year-old girl is the devil incarnate." To any of you saying that right now, I dare you to go to Kazaa, AudioGalaxy, Morpheus or whatever post-Napster program you use. Download this song, and I guarantee that when Santa is coming down the chimney, you'll be up in bed, your bloodshot eyes wide open as the shrieking chords of "IM Me" race through your tortured mind for the hundred-thousandth time.
I'm guilty of using instant message lingo just as much as everyone else. I insert "cya" and "ttyl" into conversations, and abbreviate "you" to "u." But this isn't something I'm proud of, and certainly not something our generation should be proud of. It's something that we should be ashamed of, like how past generations should be ashamed of slavery, the slaughter of Native Americans, or "hot pants."
The other Britney was bad enough. This one should be wrapped up and put under the tree with a tag that says "Don't open until X-mas 2099." Because this probably won't happen, the least I can hope for is a strong and durable muzzle under the Cleary family tree this Christmas.
Speaking of presents, in case you aren't happy with just a Brittney Cleary CD, there's also a bunch of fan items you can get, like a Brittney Cleary hat! Or a Brittney Cleary T-shirt! Or even a Brittney Cleary mouse pad that you can use while you're IMing friends while at the same time listening to "IM Me"! And all of this can be found on her Web site, www.brittneycleary.com! This page contains exactly 83 exclamation marks, most of which are at the end of sentences that contain words like "LOL" and "kewl."
So in the spirit of giving this season, I give all you dear readers this warning: Avoid "IM Me." If any of your relatives try to give you a Brittney Cleary CD, thinking that it's "the cool thing nowadays," set them straight. And most importantly, if you find anyone who enjoys this song, find a cross and some holy water for the exorcism.
So as I fall asleep this Christmas Eve, I pray not for world peace, an end to homelessness or even lots of wonderful gifts. But rather, I pray for an unfortunate dentist mishap that leaves Brittney Cleary a mute. Because when it comes to Brittney and her songs, the gift of silence is the greatest gift of all.
(Brian Cook is a Cavalier Daily associate editor. He can be reached at bcook@cavalierdaily.com.)
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