YOUR LIFE is validated in America when your chewed gum makes headlines and sells for $10,000. For star baseball player Luis Gonzalez, the sad reality of what it means to be a celebrity in America finally was realized this week when a piece of gum he chewed was part of an auction and ensuing scandal. The existence of a market for chewed gum is nearly as frightening as the realization that the North American Man/Boy Love Association is a real organization. Americans don't want media coverage on issues, they just want to see celebrity byproducts. It is time that America examines and does something about its disturbing obsession with gum.
So what do you do with a $10,000 piece of gum? The gum reached national media attention after the seller's shady history came to light, putting the gum's authenticity into question. Gonzalez was dogged with questions about his discarded gum and out of frustration, chewed a new piece and sealed it in plastic bottle in front of a crowd of intrigued reporters. The "lucky" bidder is parlaying the gum's new fame to promote his own company. Perhaps he will donate the gum to a museum so everyone can enjoy this cultural gem.
|
This untapped industry can provide a vast resource for America and, like all other resources, we must exploit it. Pete Rose, a legendary baseball player, also has decided to sell his chewed gum, mostly to mock the spectacle of the Gonzalez auction - currently receiving bids in the thousands of dollars. If people will pay over a thousand dollars for Rose's chewed gum, the country can make a fortune off properly marketed byproducts. The government can eliminate its debt and fund the costly war on terrorism by selling Colin Powell's belly button lint collected during his peace mission to the Middle East, George Bush's dog-eared "The Presidency for Dummies" handbook and the grand prize, the pretzel that nearly killed Bush. The possibilities...
Turn on the television and there is seemingly more emphasis on the news about a movie star's party habits than on such substantive issues as the overthrow of the Venezuelan president. The focus on such irrelevant subjects can't be blamed solely on the media because it is simply showing people what they want - and right now, the numbers say that people want celebrity-chewed gum.
America loves anyone who has a recognizable face, and the focus on celebrity byproducts is only the the tip of the iceberg. The Celebrity Boxing TV special featured three former semi-stars from television, one potential victim of a politician's sexual harassment, one disgraced athlete and the laughingstock of music. But they were on television and you know their names. A "celebrity" like Kato Kaelin can have his own radio show because people saw him during the O.J. trial. The man is really, really, ridiculously boring and intellectually arid. Yet his gum definitely would fetch a few hundred bucks for charity. At least something good might come out of the O.J. trial other than Jay Leno's Dancing Itos.
Andy Warhol's claim that everyone would have their 15 minutes of fame may not have been realized yet, but people can take solace in their failure to attain celebrity by owning a piece of gum chewed by their favorite movie star. Americans desperately grasp onto anyone who has a recognizable name to vicariously live their dream of celebrity. Life is short and social commentators should lay off the much-maligned obsession with celebrity and allow people to buy their official Bob Saget- or Amy Fisher-chewed gum. After all, what's so bizarre about obsessions that involve purchasing another person's used gum?
Celebrity byproducts such as chewed gum are what hold this nation together. While the $10,000 spent on Gonzalez's gum is substantial, the public is fickle and it is only a matter of time before chewed gum becomes cliche and George Clooney's used q-tip becomes the rage. We love celebrities more than we love our families and society should accept it and shake off all those sociologists and educated people who excoriate the depravity of the American public. All I know is that my greatest aspiration in life is to wipe my buttocks with a copy of The Declaration and have an adoring fan snatch it and sell it on eBay. I can dream, can't I?
(Brad Cohen's column appears Thursdays in The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at bcohen@cavalierdaily.com.)
Read More
PARTING SHOT: No man is an island
By Ava MacBlane | YesterdayRetirement, as you can tell, has been treating me well. When people ask me now if I miss it, I laugh and tell them some things I definitely don't miss. But I don't always get to tell them about the things I really do miss.
PARTING SHOT: You never know unless you try
By Lexi Baker | 2 days agoMy time at the University was shaped by the people who showed me grace and kindness and by those who had confidence in me, even when I struggled to have it in myself.
PARTING SHOT: A love letter to Cav Daily and Connection
By Ava Proehl | 3 days agoMy time here taught me to look for the genuine, human connection in every moment.
