T he Bible has its Ten Commandments. Einstein had his theory and Jack Handey has his Deep Thoughts - which at times aren't so deep.
So, in the spirit of these great works, I offer you Sam's top 10 tips for touring Europe.
But take note, read this seriously. Traveling to the Old World is no joke. You have to worry about Euro-vagrants stealing your last roll of toilet paper, right after you've just paddled 3,000 miles across the Atlantic. So if you're planning on visiting our European neighbors soon, thou shalt obey these top 10 tips.
1. Learn some key phrases. This is very important in cities like Rome, where street vendors try to sell you roses, bubble makers and large balls of wax or dryer lint. If you are female, definitely learn how to say "go away" in at least 500 different languages.
2. Buy a cell phone. Being Euro-chic without this accessory is like being a middle-aged American without a pot belly -- nearly impossible. If you're short on euros, buy a fake phone from any random store and strap it on. But don't ask for a "cellular." The British and French call it a "mobile," Germans call it a "Handy" and the Italians just say "cellulare." Bend sideways and listen to your pelvic area whenever a real cell phone rings. You'll blend right in.
3. Always have money for the "WC." Contrary to popular belief, WC does not stand for "warm couch." Once your rear is resting on the cold porcelain, you'll know why it's called a "water closet." Some of these Euro-toilets are coin-operated, like some sort of really gross vending machine. Other times they are staffed by a full-time crew. In any case, bring some cash along. It's considered polite to tip.
4. Sleeping outside is okay. Someone told me no one will bother you if you decide to crash under the Eiffel Tower for a night or two. Just remember, French pigeons are the reigning world champions of synchronized bird pooping. You might try sleeping in train stations, which is a little riskier. Most of the time you'll get kicked out with the rest of the homeless people. When this happens, just slip into a McDonald's and drink coffee until dawn breaks.
5. Store all important stuff in your underwear. Important stuff includes passports, money, cameras and food. No one will steal from you. It's a good idea to wear several pairs of underwear at once to prevent ruptures. When someone asks why you are eating food from your underwear, say that's what everyone in America does. They'll leave you alone. This strategy isn't recommended in night club situations.
6. Fly. Yeah, that's right. Don't take the train. Seriously, fares from London to any Euro-city start at three cents, excluding at least $15 in taxes. Impossible, you say? The discount airlines save money by sticking passengers in the cargo hold, not offering cabin service, and hiring one-eyed pilots. The take-offs and landings might be a little rough, but it beats spending countless hours on the train.
7. Take the overnight train. If one-eyed myopic pilots aren't your cup of tea, try the overnight train. Sleeping on the train will save you the cost of a night in a hostel. Hiding stuff in your underwear is also key in this situation. Also, you might as well take the opportunity to pee for free -- but don't be surprised if the WC is just a hole cut in the bottom of the train.
8. Watch a football game. Americans call the game soccer, but the rest of the world calls it football. There are lots of reasons why you should make it a point to catch a match. For example, in what other sport do the fans get hurt more often than the players themselves? If you can't watch the game at the stadium, at least watch it at a bar. Keep a first aid kit handy to take care of your injuries. Hint: you'll get injured less often if you root for the home team.
9. Stay clean. This can be tricky sometimes, especially when pigeons are using you as target practice while you sleep. Train station WCs will instantly become your best friend. Use them frequently for sink baths and laundering. Being smelly will help you blend in temporarily, but after a while the natives will notice. You should probably take another sink bath when small children start asking their parents why the bad man or lady over there stinks.
10. Don't tip. This goes for restaurants, bars and pubs. In most European countries it's considered extremely rude to tip servers or bartenders, who are required to report all tipping violations directly to NATO. Note that this rule does not apply to taxi drivers or WC attendants.
Hopefully these simple guidelines will help you travel the Old World without looking too American, losing too much stuff or ending up in the new International Criminal Court. Follow my 10 tips and ye shall prosper.
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