M TV, you are dismissed. It was a tough choice, but I would rather watch reruns of "Touched by an Angel"than suffer through another one of your reality shows.
It's entirely possible that a team of three-toed sloths invented the concept for MTV's "Dismissed." The show is set up to be like something you might see on the Discovery Channel - two males gallantly compete for a female by strutting, doing push-ups or exhibiting their private parts.
Anything is fair game. Girls compete for guys, guys compete for guys, girls compete for girls and sometimes guys compete for three-toed sloths.
The person being competed for "dismisses" the loser and pledges eternal love to the winner.
Most three-toed sloths agree that "Dismissed" is the best thing that happened to them since eucalyptus leaves. But we should ignore the sloths because they have three toes and they spend all their time crawling around in trees.
"Dismissed" debuted last October, mesmerizing the sloth population and some humans of lesser intelligence. The show features 18- to 22-year-old co-eds from Los Angeles, with occupations such as "aspiring actress," "carpenter" and "bouncer."
These people obviously have enough spare time on their hands to do dumb things like try out for "Dismissed." As they introduce themselves on the show, we find they have such diverse interests as singing in the shower, playing the bongos and wailing.
The show begins as the two rivals talk trash to each other, in a sad attempt to establish who is the most "ghetto-fabulous." (The entertainment industry commonly uses this technical term as a synonym for "ultra cool.")
No contestant can ever achieve ghetto-hood, however, since all of them are rich kids still living off their parents' income.
The trash-talking normally follows this simple pattern:
Girl One: What is that you're wearing? A dead cat?
Girl Two: Maybe, but at least this cat has normal ears. What's wrong with your teeth?
Girl One: Well, at least I don't have breast implants.
Now comes the fun part. After deciding who most resembles a dead animal, the competitors take turns going out on a "date" with the booty prize. The catch is that all three people go on both dates.
Except they're not really dates -- they're more like "American Gladiator"competitions or horrible reruns of "Days of Our Lives."
In fact, the word "date" is nowhere close to describing what actually goes on. A more appropriate phrase would be "losers attempting to make eroticism," or LAME for short.
The LAME has two parts. Each of the two contestants plan out their part of the LAME in advance. Common LAME activities include body painting, full-body massages, slumber parties, motorcycle racing, manly feats of strength and desperate attempts to kiss the person who will choose the winner.
On first dates or on "get to know you" dates, normally functioning humans avoid LAME activities at all costs. This is because LAME behavior actually drives away potential partners and makes them say, "You are so lame."
LAME behavior increases during the 20-minute "time out" periods, when one contestant forces the other to leave temporarily. With the third person gone, all fake non-LAME behavior disappears as the contestants reveal their true LAME selves.
Of course, MTV would have you believe that the winners and losers of "Dismissed"are judged by their complex personality traits, rather than by their physical appearance or LAME behavior.
The people doing the dismissing always have to come up with "reasons" behind their choices.
For example, someone might say, "You were a fun date, but I'm looking for someone who will be more serious. You are dismissed." This actually means, "You weren't LAME enough. Go away!"
The same person might say to the winner, "I think we're more compatible," which really means, "Yes! You are so LAME! Let's be LAME together!"
The only conclusion I can draw from this is that more and more Americans are becoming LAME. Before we know it, the United States will have the highest proportion of LAME citizens in the world.
Other countries will point to us and say, "Ha-ha, look at those losers attempting to make eroticism! Let's take their televisions!"
At this point, Americans will stop watching television and recover from MTV's brainwashing, which will spread its corrupting influence to the rest of the world. The cycle will repeat itself until Earth becomes the lamest planet in the entire universe.
We don't want this to happen. MTV began airing new episodes of "Dismissed" last week to kick off the summer season. As a fellow American, I ask you to do what is right for our country's future.
Save the children. Don't be a loser. Don't be LAME.
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