T he Gauntlet -- (n.) A short strip of land between Cocke Hall and mid-Lawn, under the constant vigil of one Homer Statue. Also known as Annoyance Alley, CIO Central or the Notification Tables. Today we study this environment in detail and the inhabitants therein. The ecosystem is primarily run through a predator-prey model of tablers and pedestrians.
Early Birds -- one of the Gauntlet's carnivores, this species sets up a table at 7:45 a.m. to snag the elusive language discussion-goers.
Early Worms -- unresponsive elusive language discussion-goers. Can be identified by the half-open eyelids and extended middle finger, often directed at predatory Early Birds.
Awkward Smilers -- the largest population at the Gauntlet. These prey can be identified through their defense mechanism of polite gestures of smiling disapproval towards predators, often replying with a deliberately vague, "I'm busy that day."
Fake iPod Guy -- one who chooses to pretend to be incredibly into whatever song is playing on his iPod, to the extent that he's become totally unaware of his surroundings. He's wholly convinced he's fooled everyone with this incredibly clever plan. Not to be confused with "Fake Cell Phone Guy" or "Deeply Immersed in a Conversation With His Friend Guy."
Pocket Walkers -- a rare breed of prey who have developed the unique tactic of placing their hands in their pockets as they walk, giving predators no other option than to press handbills into the Pocket Walker's chest. An effective measure until an awkward stalemate occurs between a PW and an insistent predator.
Smarmy Commentator -- predator-prey hybrid who reacts harshly to being exposed to the Gauntlet environment. Not enough to simply elude predators, the Smarmy Commentator chooses to verbally harass student groups and disapprove of the Gauntlet on "moral grounds." Local names for the Smarmy Commentator include, "Jackass" and "Dick."
Moneybags -- a tabler whose organization chooses to spend a disproportionate amount of money on tabling materials. This can include glossy handbills, fortune cookies and any other general giveaways that cause pedestrians to say, "For the amount they're spending, this event is either gonna be really good or really bad."
Militant A Capella Groups -- a subset of all a capella groups, these particular vocalists engage in warfare amongst each other. Studio recordings on loop are the weapon of choice. Every song gets louder and louder until no one can hear anything other than the fact that Stacey's mom has got it goin' on.
Unnecessary Haggler -- a captured prey who, upon actually interacting with a tabler, talks for an unnecessarily long amount of time. Seems to think 50 cents for a fundraising cup of lemonade is mighty steep. Will debate with tabler as to whether the cause is worthy of such price "gouging," citing availability of beverages elsewhere. Also known as "Where did you get Krispy Kreme donuts, I thought that placed closed down?" Guy.
Surprised Tabler -- a predator who has no idea what to do when someone actually stops and asks a question about his or her CIO/event/petition. After enough pregnant silences in a conversation, the Surprised Tabler will give up on the operation and turn into a Slacker.
Slacker -- the variety of predator who has given up on the whole damn thing. Can be recognized by their defeated call: "Forget it!" The Slacker will fulfill the remainder of his tabling time slot sitting at the table, calling only to friends or when people in the sponsoring organization walk by. Totally useless.
Life-less Life Columnist -- Someone who spends an entire afternoon studying Lawn tablers only to make remarks so obvious that anyone who has ever walked through there could have made the same comments after a couple of passes.
Eric's column is printed each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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