4Doctor's exams are just a series of midterms leading up to the final, which is the autopsy. But I won't be caught dead studying for that. Which is why I'm taking life pass/fail. Sweet.
4There are a lot of U.Va. kids in summer school right now. It's hard to believe so many of our fine students are flunking. Of course they won't say they're "flunking." They say they're "doing research" or "trying to earn additional credits." Sham.
4There are still two months of summer left before next semester begins, and I'm already behind in all of my classes. Impressive.
4Some people are awful at describing things. I hate when a friend tells a story about someone with a description like: "Picture Michael Jordan, except with hair, and shorter. And it's actually a woman, not a man. Plus she's white. And she hates basketball." Stupid.
4I don't care how educated you are: If you're writing a haiku, you will inevitably count out the syllables on your fingers. Inevitable.
4Congress never seems to get any laws passed. In fact, when a bunch of senators goes out to lunch at a swanky D.C. restaurant, they invariably end up fighting over the bill for an extended period of time, then deferring to their constituents. Who knew filibustering was in reality an elaborate scheme to facilitate "dining and dodging"?
Of course, hardly all of the bills broached in either house are legitimate. I am glad that the Senate recently managed to defeat legislation that would have rescinded the constitutional two-term limit for people serving as president and replaced it with a new "Don't mess with Texas" clause. Sources indicate that the bill had a major proponent residing in the executive branch.
4While speedily packing up for a summer trip, my sister called out a checklist of movies for me to bring. At the end she said, "Make sure you get 'Sister Act 2.'" But alas, I thought she had said, "Make sure you get 'Sister Act,' too." Can you believe it?!?! I brought the wrong movie!!! Not that the original is in any way inferior to the sequel!!! Still, I almost ruined the whole vacation; let's just say I really needed to get my sister-act-2-gether!!! But don't worry, everything turned out fine. First we found a Blockbuster near where we were staying, and then we really lucked out: Its copy of "Sister Act 2" wasn't checked out!!! I was so overjoyed that I dropped the first movie; but luckily old habits are hard to break!!! Whoopi!!!
4Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all counts in the massively hyped trial regarding his alleged molestation of a young boy. Michael's brother Tito was likewise found not guilty on the charge of being a celebrity. The verdict in the Michael Jackson case was announced by the lead juror, Bubbles the chimp. Jackson told reporters he's relieved now that he can finally get back to his normal life of dangling babies off balconies and pretending he's Peter Pan. Lawyers for Jackson say his acquittal was a victory both for him and for all white people who used to be black. O.J. Simpson expressed astonishment as events unfolded, saying, "Wow, I haven't seen a guiltier person get off since me."
4If the United States adopts the metric system, will Fruit-by-the-Foot convert to SI units? Because honestly, I just don't think I'd be hungry enough for Fruit-by-the-Meter.
4I don't want to brag, but I'm easily the most modest person ever. In fact, I've won the World's Most Modest Man Competition 12 years running. The thing is, if I were to accept the award, it would immediately be stripped away from me. But if you come to my house, I can show you where I would have put all my trophies had I not given them back out of modesty. Modest Man, out.
Dan Dooley can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
At Emmy Squared, Detroit-style pizza is upstaged by star handhelds and sides
By Xander Tilock | 2 days agoEmmy Squared is a Brooklyn-based restaurant that serves Detroit-style pizza and recently expanded into Charlottesville.
Sustainability in the lecture hall and beyond
By Ingrid Gay | 4 days agoStudents in all three of these programs stress that now, more than ever, it is important to be learning about our environment.
Top 10 pieces of advice from fourth-year students
By Sam Saks | 5 days agoThe following pieces of advice will help you achieve academic success and personal growth during the remainder of your college experience
