We don't really know why we wanted to go to Disney on Ice. We just knew we wanted to attend. And the price was right, $12 for "100 Years of Magic." That's only, like, $0.12 per year of magic, for those of you who aren't good at identifying a bargain.
The premise was a simple one: In just two hours, performers were going to present 100 years of Disney's best music and magic, and they were going to do it on ice. Though the stories necessarily had to be abbreviated, Readers Digest would have been proud: Each plot was successfully resolved in about four minutes ... so if this review seems to jump around, it's just our attempt to bring this disjointed Disney magic to Life for you.
After assembling a group of five people brave enough to withstand the ridicule of our peers, we set off for John Paul Jones Arena Wednesday evening for the red-carpet premiere. Yes, there was a red carpet, and yes, Mickey and Minnie did make an entrance. Though we missed it, we're sure they were swarmed by international press.
Upon arrival, we treated ourselves to cotton candy, which, considering the price, must have been spun of the finest quality sugar. Or maybe the price was raised by the complementary crown adorned with mouse ears.
After settling in among the crowd of toddlers in the audience, we awaited the first glimpse of magic. But just as we were ready for the show to begin, the hopes of the gullible audience members (95 percent of those present) were crushed when the Zamboni machine broke down in the middle of the ice rink. The announcer relayed that there were technical problems, and the faces of Charlottesville's four-year-olds crumpled with dismay. Then the "repair crew" of Mickey, Donald and Goofy burst through the curtain. When Donald pulled the Genie's lamp out of the Zamboni, causing a chorus line of cloned genies to appear, it was evident that the show would go on.
We began to feel the generation gap almost immediately, when the cast of "Finding Nemo" usurped the title of Greatest High-Seas Adventure from its rightful owner, "The Little Mermaid." Though we were prepared to sing along to our favorite "Under the Sea," we were only treated to a brief rendition of the lame "Part of Your World." At least we got to see Eric, though -- he's still as dreamy as he was nearly two decades ago.
Amid the classic animated tales, the folks at Disney were kind enough to throw in a lesson on diversity in its presentation of "It's a Small World." Featuring Arabs identifiable only by their preference for flying carpets, Dutchmen toting tulips and Germans proudly sporting lederhosen, we were glad to see that Disney is really focusing on capturing the nuances of global society.
While Disney may not offer the best cultural lessons, we found that its love lessons are even worse.
We -- along with every five-year-old girl in the audience -- were swept away by the romantic story of a young girl from a quiet village ... until we realized how it sets up young girls to date jerks for the rest of their lives. But at least they'll look pretty in their sparkly yellow dresses.
When Mulan and her entourage marched on stage, we were relieved that Disney progressed beyond its depiction of shallow role models to show a real 21st-century woman capable of battling even the toughest Hun warriors. Not since "West Side Story" had we seen two groups come together to dance-battle so well as when Mulan took on the Huns ... in drag.
Mulan was not only a great warrior but also an honorable one. To teach those Wahoos not fortunate enough to attend Disney on Ice, we recommend the Honor Committee prepare a medley of selections from the classic Disney repertoire, including "Please Bring Honor To All" and "Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide."
The common factor linking all of these lessons was the skaters' talent. All in all, the skaters exceeded our expectations. They didn't fall (except when they were supposed to) and actually did pretty well for people who were probably Olympics rejects a decade ago. We were impressed with all costumed characters, that is, of course, until Monstro the tarp-covered Zamboni came out and ate Pinocchio and his father.
The characters were even surprisingly kind to the children after the show. Unfortunately, we were deprived of the opportunity to meet our idols, blocked by the hordes of children swarming the rink as well as by a security force larger than that for the visit of former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami.
As we left the arena, we resisted the urge to burst into tears along with half of the children surrounding us and began our walk home, still humming tunes from the show.
As we walked by U-Hall singing "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes," a few football players chuckled at how ridiculous we seemed. But that's okay, because at least we didn't lose to East Carolina.
Meggie Bonner and Elizabeth Mills contributed to this report.
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